How does someone overcome the hurt they feel deep within themselves?
This thought has crossed my mind many times over the past 8 months.
Truth is..
I hurt.
Everyday.
I hurt.
deep within' me is a feeling of being lost.
I thought that once I past the first year of having the TAH I would feel alot better than I do.
Don't get me wrong, I did feel alot better.
then....
I met someone.
Truth is, I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I don't think that I have ever loved someone like this guy. It's a weird feeling to have that much feeling towards another being that I havent even known for that long.
yet, I look at him and feel sad.
I feel like I am cheating him out of the perfect life.
He has known since the night after our 2nd date what he was signing up for and he has had many outs, yet he hasn't taken them. Why? I am not quite sure.
When I look at him I feel like he could do better, like I am not a whole woman..
No one knows how I really feel deep down, it's taken alot of strength to admit this feeling. It's a feeling I am unsure on how I should react.
Part of me wants to let him go, to not be selfish and let him be happy with someone else, while the other part of me feels like I deserve someone as great as him, because...
DAMNIT I have struggled enough.
life owes me this much to be this happy.
As we settle on another night together and we lie back to back I will thank God one more night for a guy like him and hope that this lost feeling will slowly fade away and I can not feel so guilty about this life that I live.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
It's not that easy
Love.
Oh, so very complicated.
Let me just say, I was never looking for love. All I wanted was someone who I could share good company and have some harmless adult fun with.
Somewhere between the first kiss we shared and the intimate moments before bedtime I felt myself falling. This was not the plan
those words have crossed my mind over the past few days.
Am I in love? Is this real?
I know what I feel is way too real. Yet I am unsure what to do with the feelings that are deep within me.
We had another glorious weekend. I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him how I really felt, because I don’t want to be the one to tell him those three special words.
I feel like there are moments when I feel tense and afraid around him because I am so scared of messing things up.
Since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a wife someday. I just didn’t understand how hard it was to find that one person that I would and could love forever til the end of time.
I know that we have only been together a few months, and only time will tell how all of this plays out.
Until then I will keep my feelings to myself and the online blogging world.
Oh, so very complicated.
Let me just say, I was never looking for love. All I wanted was someone who I could share good company and have some harmless adult fun with.
Somewhere between the first kiss we shared and the intimate moments before bedtime I felt myself falling. This was not the plan
those words have crossed my mind over the past few days.
Am I in love? Is this real?
I know what I feel is way too real. Yet I am unsure what to do with the feelings that are deep within me.
We had another glorious weekend. I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him how I really felt, because I don’t want to be the one to tell him those three special words.
I feel like there are moments when I feel tense and afraid around him because I am so scared of messing things up.
Since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a wife someday. I just didn’t understand how hard it was to find that one person that I would and could love forever til the end of time.
I know that we have only been together a few months, and only time will tell how all of this plays out.
Until then I will keep my feelings to myself and the online blogging world.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Dating update
I know that I promised to stay on track with this whole blogging thing. Sadly, I didn’t keep my promise. Life happens and sometimes I barely have time to check even facebook. I feel so out of the loop sometimes and it’s kind of sad that we now rely on social media to keep us informed on all of our friend’s happenings in life. Anyways…
For about 2 months now I have been seeing someone. I went through the period of dating 2 guys, feeling the situation out and seeing how it would all play out. I ended up choosing one who I really felt a connection with.
I think that the hardest part in this relationship thus far was telling him about the situation at hand (being young, single, and infertile). At the time of the TAH I wasn’t thinking about the someday of having to tell some guy the whole story.
When I began dating again, this was always in the back of my mind. I felt like I was keeping this big secret that needed to be told before I could fully allow someone inside to see the real me.
There really isn’t a perfect moment or point in a relationship to tell someone what I had to tell him. I knew that he had a love for children and wanted to someday be a father (that made the telling part that much harder). It didn’t go as planned and looking back there is so much I would have done differently, yet it is what it is, it’s done and over with.
I was surprised that he was really supportive and willing to give “us” a chance. He handled the situation at a more mature level than I thought he would have. I hope that this guy sticks around for a while. 1. Because I really don’t want to start over by telling someone new. 2. He is pretty darn special and I like him a lot. :)
For about 2 months now I have been seeing someone. I went through the period of dating 2 guys, feeling the situation out and seeing how it would all play out. I ended up choosing one who I really felt a connection with.
I think that the hardest part in this relationship thus far was telling him about the situation at hand (being young, single, and infertile). At the time of the TAH I wasn’t thinking about the someday of having to tell some guy the whole story.
When I began dating again, this was always in the back of my mind. I felt like I was keeping this big secret that needed to be told before I could fully allow someone inside to see the real me.
There really isn’t a perfect moment or point in a relationship to tell someone what I had to tell him. I knew that he had a love for children and wanted to someday be a father (that made the telling part that much harder). It didn’t go as planned and looking back there is so much I would have done differently, yet it is what it is, it’s done and over with.
I was surprised that he was really supportive and willing to give “us” a chance. He handled the situation at a more mature level than I thought he would have. I hope that this guy sticks around for a while. 1. Because I really don’t want to start over by telling someone new. 2. He is pretty darn special and I like him a lot. :)
Saturday, June 4, 2011
quite a scare
This week has been a very interesting week. Words cannot describe the emotional scare that I experienced.
Since the hysterectomy I have felt amazingly great.
no pain.
no signs of remission being over.
Last week this all changed. I began experiencing an all too familiar pain.
yes, pelvic pain.
At first I didn't want to believe it, I thought that if I just took some ibuprofen it would disappear. This was not the case though. It began to become persistant. I even had pain the entire day while teaching my kiddos. It was a scary thought, yet sadly reality.
There were so many thoughts going through my head. First and foremost I was concerned for my new relationship. the boy knows me as a healthy girl who had endometriosis, but is now in a remission stage. I was scared to know how he would feel about this possible kink in our relationship. I gave him an 'out' because I didn't want to give my heart out and have yet another relationship fail because of endometriosis. Given the track record you can see why my guard is up.
The boy was very supportive and said that he was willing to take the risk and see what happend. He was so confident that maybe it wasn't the endometriosis but something else. Everyone had confidence but myself. I knew deep in my heart that something was not right.
I phoned my doctor with my concerns and scheduled an appointment for the next day. I saw my doctor on Friday. He did a pelvic exam and concluded that I have inflammed tissue from an upper respiratory infection as well as sore pelvic muscles from too much activity. No endo was present ( or so he could tell via pelvic exam) .
This whole ordeal was really an eye opener for me. I realized that I was becoming to comfortable in my own skin so to speak. I can't just treat my body as one that is healthy because I will never just be an ordinary girl.
I am glad that the outcome of this ordeal was a positive one. I am trying to remain positive and keep my chin up.. I am also trying not to jump to conclusions when a simple ache and pain comes my way.
Since the hysterectomy I have felt amazingly great.
no pain.
no signs of remission being over.
Last week this all changed. I began experiencing an all too familiar pain.
yes, pelvic pain.
At first I didn't want to believe it, I thought that if I just took some ibuprofen it would disappear. This was not the case though. It began to become persistant. I even had pain the entire day while teaching my kiddos. It was a scary thought, yet sadly reality.
There were so many thoughts going through my head. First and foremost I was concerned for my new relationship. the boy knows me as a healthy girl who had endometriosis, but is now in a remission stage. I was scared to know how he would feel about this possible kink in our relationship. I gave him an 'out' because I didn't want to give my heart out and have yet another relationship fail because of endometriosis. Given the track record you can see why my guard is up.
The boy was very supportive and said that he was willing to take the risk and see what happend. He was so confident that maybe it wasn't the endometriosis but something else. Everyone had confidence but myself. I knew deep in my heart that something was not right.
I phoned my doctor with my concerns and scheduled an appointment for the next day. I saw my doctor on Friday. He did a pelvic exam and concluded that I have inflammed tissue from an upper respiratory infection as well as sore pelvic muscles from too much activity. No endo was present ( or so he could tell via pelvic exam) .
This whole ordeal was really an eye opener for me. I realized that I was becoming to comfortable in my own skin so to speak. I can't just treat my body as one that is healthy because I will never just be an ordinary girl.
I am glad that the outcome of this ordeal was a positive one. I am trying to remain positive and keep my chin up.. I am also trying not to jump to conclusions when a simple ache and pain comes my way.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
22 pounds
To date I have lost 22lbs.
There isn't much to say..the proof is in the pictures.
so happy to see a drastic change. :)
Monday, May 30, 2011
13 months
Life at just a little over 13 months post TAH is nothing like I imagined it would be. As I celebrated my one year hysterversary I was reminded of just how great life is. I had my yearly check-up with Dr. C last month.
I tried to schedule it around the anniversary of the hysterectomy so that I would remember every year to get checked. I was nervous to go to the doctor, yet anxious to see what it would feel like to have a pelvic exam. When I got in there I was pretty happy. He did the exam and I felt no pain (this in itself made me want to scream pure joy). He said that everything healed beautifully and there is minimal scar tissue deep inside. The pelvic floor therapy and patience to heal really paid off. We discussed minor kinks that need to be worked out and I was given a clean bill of health. This is still something I am in awe of to this day, a month later.
The days have been so busy and filled with working too much and beginning all the festivities that come with starting the summer up. When May 27 hit I honestly didn’t remember that it was 13 months. There really isn’t a need to keep celebrating in a huge way, but I always try to take a minute to thank God and remember my amazing physician who gave me my life back.
Sometimes as I am driving and just pondering various things I have to remind myself that I am still not just an ordinary woman. I am a girl who has gone through extraordinary happenings and that is what makes me the woman that I have become at this present time in my life.
I used to wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t ever had endometriosis. Where would I be now? Mostly this occurs when my life is down and nothing seems to fall into place.
Currently, there are so many positives in my life. I am beyond grateful for what I have… I am truly blessed. I have my health, an amazing job, a blossoming relationship with a special guy, and support from all my friends. What more would a girl want?
I am excited to see what the next 11 months brings in not only my health but every aspect of my life. As I finish up my education degree and prepare to be in the real world full time, it is my hope that my endometriosis remains in the remission stage and I can begin life how it should have always been.
I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day holiday! Stay safe!
I tried to schedule it around the anniversary of the hysterectomy so that I would remember every year to get checked. I was nervous to go to the doctor, yet anxious to see what it would feel like to have a pelvic exam. When I got in there I was pretty happy. He did the exam and I felt no pain (this in itself made me want to scream pure joy). He said that everything healed beautifully and there is minimal scar tissue deep inside. The pelvic floor therapy and patience to heal really paid off. We discussed minor kinks that need to be worked out and I was given a clean bill of health. This is still something I am in awe of to this day, a month later.
The days have been so busy and filled with working too much and beginning all the festivities that come with starting the summer up. When May 27 hit I honestly didn’t remember that it was 13 months. There really isn’t a need to keep celebrating in a huge way, but I always try to take a minute to thank God and remember my amazing physician who gave me my life back.
Sometimes as I am driving and just pondering various things I have to remind myself that I am still not just an ordinary woman. I am a girl who has gone through extraordinary happenings and that is what makes me the woman that I have become at this present time in my life.
I used to wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t ever had endometriosis. Where would I be now? Mostly this occurs when my life is down and nothing seems to fall into place.
Currently, there are so many positives in my life. I am beyond grateful for what I have… I am truly blessed. I have my health, an amazing job, a blossoming relationship with a special guy, and support from all my friends. What more would a girl want?
I am excited to see what the next 11 months brings in not only my health but every aspect of my life. As I finish up my education degree and prepare to be in the real world full time, it is my hope that my endometriosis remains in the remission stage and I can begin life how it should have always been.
I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day holiday! Stay safe!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Happy Hysterversary! year one
One year…
Today is such a milestone in my life.
This year has been quite the rollercoaster ride of emotions. I can’t believe that last year this time I was preparing for the biggest change in my life, a decision that no women should ever have to make at any age. Yet, somehow God dealt me the cards and thought that I was the best fit to be able to handle making such a decision for myself, my future husband and my unknown future. When I think about the decision I made I wonder how I didn’t drive myself crazy, there was no way to know that exactly one year later life would be the same or different as it is now. It was a risk I was willing to take.
The memories of last year are etched in my mind so vividly; somehow I just can’t forget them. They replay in my mind over and over. Today I feel like I am in a constant battle of emotions wondering if the decision I made was the correct one for many reasons, yet somehow I feel that I wouldn’t change a thing because my life is perfectly content at this present time.
At 6 months post op I didn’t know how to ‘be’. I felt inadequate because there were things I wanted to do and still couldn’t do. In just 6 short months I have had the most enlightening experiences. I now understand for the first time how much my life and energy was consumed by my diseased uterus.
I look at a photograph of myself a year ago and I barely remember who that girl was. I know that she was scared, young and fearful of what the future held, but that is all I can remember. The mind has a funny way of blocking out the pain and heartache one once felt.
Since surgery the pain has diminished completely and I have an entirely new life. My endometriosis is in a quiet state of being and I own my life again. As I sit here I am in awe of who I have become over the past 12 months and I wonder who I will change into in another 12 months.
I feel as if I have transformed into a new women who finally has control of her life. Every morning when I wake up I have the upmost confidence that I can do anything I want to do because there is nothing stopping me physically from doing so. This in itself is what keeps me going from day to day; it’s a daily dose of personal inspiration.
While the pain is nonexistent there are many tasks at hand that need to be resolved. I am so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections. Relationships now are different than they used to be. I will allow someone to love me though. All in due time…
Brave, strong, role model, inspirational. All these plus more have been used in a sentence with my name in it. It’s amusing, because I don’t often feel like any of these. Most days I just feel like me. Wouldn’t anyone who had to make a decision such as this made the decision I made? I am just delighted that I can give my friends who suffer from endometriosis hope that someday their own life can be transformed as mine has been this year. Never lose hope girls.
I don’t think that I can entirely give myself all the credit for the way that I am today. Since the start of the endometriosis journey I have established the most amazing set of friends and support system in my life. There has ALWAYS been someone there for me in some way. I am SO thankful for that.
There are some people who have been there for me since the first official diagnosis, others at the midpoint, and others knew me right before the hysterectomy. I don’t love anyone less because you ALL have touched me in some way throughout the toughest parts of my life. Some people aren’t even in contact with me anymore and I miss that, but I know that I have to move on and realize that everything happens for a reason in life. If you are presently in my life, or helped me get through this past year and have lost contact I want to say “Thank-you!” You are truly a blessing in my life and I will NEVER forget your kindness and support to me.
Some things you just don’t question, I now know that this whole experience was meant to be and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today is such a milestone in my life.
This year has been quite the rollercoaster ride of emotions. I can’t believe that last year this time I was preparing for the biggest change in my life, a decision that no women should ever have to make at any age. Yet, somehow God dealt me the cards and thought that I was the best fit to be able to handle making such a decision for myself, my future husband and my unknown future. When I think about the decision I made I wonder how I didn’t drive myself crazy, there was no way to know that exactly one year later life would be the same or different as it is now. It was a risk I was willing to take.
The memories of last year are etched in my mind so vividly; somehow I just can’t forget them. They replay in my mind over and over. Today I feel like I am in a constant battle of emotions wondering if the decision I made was the correct one for many reasons, yet somehow I feel that I wouldn’t change a thing because my life is perfectly content at this present time.
At 6 months post op I didn’t know how to ‘be’. I felt inadequate because there were things I wanted to do and still couldn’t do. In just 6 short months I have had the most enlightening experiences. I now understand for the first time how much my life and energy was consumed by my diseased uterus.
I look at a photograph of myself a year ago and I barely remember who that girl was. I know that she was scared, young and fearful of what the future held, but that is all I can remember. The mind has a funny way of blocking out the pain and heartache one once felt.
Since surgery the pain has diminished completely and I have an entirely new life. My endometriosis is in a quiet state of being and I own my life again. As I sit here I am in awe of who I have become over the past 12 months and I wonder who I will change into in another 12 months.
I feel as if I have transformed into a new women who finally has control of her life. Every morning when I wake up I have the upmost confidence that I can do anything I want to do because there is nothing stopping me physically from doing so. This in itself is what keeps me going from day to day; it’s a daily dose of personal inspiration.
While the pain is nonexistent there are many tasks at hand that need to be resolved. I am so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections. Relationships now are different than they used to be. I will allow someone to love me though. All in due time…
Brave, strong, role model, inspirational. All these plus more have been used in a sentence with my name in it. It’s amusing, because I don’t often feel like any of these. Most days I just feel like me. Wouldn’t anyone who had to make a decision such as this made the decision I made? I am just delighted that I can give my friends who suffer from endometriosis hope that someday their own life can be transformed as mine has been this year. Never lose hope girls.
I don’t think that I can entirely give myself all the credit for the way that I am today. Since the start of the endometriosis journey I have established the most amazing set of friends and support system in my life. There has ALWAYS been someone there for me in some way. I am SO thankful for that.
There are some people who have been there for me since the first official diagnosis, others at the midpoint, and others knew me right before the hysterectomy. I don’t love anyone less because you ALL have touched me in some way throughout the toughest parts of my life. Some people aren’t even in contact with me anymore and I miss that, but I know that I have to move on and realize that everything happens for a reason in life. If you are presently in my life, or helped me get through this past year and have lost contact I want to say “Thank-you!” You are truly a blessing in my life and I will NEVER forget your kindness and support to me.
Some things you just don’t question, I now know that this whole experience was meant to be and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Still withholding
Numerous dates with 2 very different, yet potential guys. I forgot how exhausting dating can be, learning about someone takes a lot of work on both parts and its a new experience for me. After being with the same person for almost 2 years I realize now how much I learned in those two short years about this person. Starting all over again is something I never intended to do. This afternoon I had a very enchanting date. We played a round of mini golf, went to lunch, and walked around the park and the mall. As the afternoon went on I became more comfortable and absolutely smitten with this guy. He is everything I would ever want in someone. I felt so normal that I forgot for a small second that hey! My uterus is still missing and I a with holding some very important information. We were getting ready to leave one another ( after a 5 hr date I still wanted him more, wanted to learn everything I could about him) We somehow got on the wagon of children and he seemed very sympathetic to infertility and shared his experiences in dealing with friends and miscarriages. I just sat there thinking Oh, boy do I know. Yet, witholding, because I felt it still wasnt time yet. We kissed, it was quite magical if I do say so myself. aaand I am still here holding deep inside me this secret, because he loves kids and very much wants his own someday.. and while I feel the same way, I am still not normal. Our next date just may be the day that I let it all out.. if only telling him were an easier task that I didn't dread so much.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Dropping the bomb
Endometriosis; a horrid disease in which alters one life. It makes dating difficult, sex often impossible, yet somehow I made it through 2 very serious relationship with endo. Then there was the hysterectomy, followed by a break-up. Somehow I didn't see the two co insiding. I am left here back in the dating scene trying to find 'the one'. Someone who I can spend my forever with. While I am in search of Mr. Right I have this big deep dark secret looming inside my head, heavy on my heart. This secret is bursting to come out because frankly its now a huge part of my life in which could send the potential Mr. Right running in the other direction. This afternoon I had a date. A first date in which went extremely well. Conversation was good, all around great first date. This guy is someone I could potentially see myself dating, leading into something more serious. All seems perfect right? A great guy, a cute girl. what more could I ever want? fertility. I have this sudden realization that I am much different than women my age out in the dating scene. I lack a uterus. One would think that nearly a year later this wouldnt be such a shock, yet it is, and I have a feeling will remain so for a while too.. So here I sit pondering my next move. Perhaps tomorrow could be the day I spill my guts to him, let him know my deepest most inner thoughts and drop this so called bomb on him, seeing what he will do. Will he be scared away, or will he be sympathetic to my needs and wants in life. Because I never thought I would be here in this place at this exact moment.. Pain free, single, without a uterus, and witholding such important information from someone. I am hoping for a miracle, that the words will flow as smoothly a possible and as effectively truthful as they can be.. because after dealing with endo for 5 yrs telling someone something as little as this shouldnt be that hard. After fighting endo for so long anything in comparison should be easy as pie. if only...
Monday, April 4, 2011
Dating post hysterectomy
It never occured to me that I would have to date post hysterectomy. Last year this time I was in a committed relationship with someone who I loved dearly. We stuck together through the endometriosis journey and onto the TAH journey as well. I always felt like we would go through it together, naturally... Recently we decided to break-up. At first I was devastated at the fact that I wasn't going to have someone to love. Then it hit me. Dating post hysterectomy is a whole different world now. My lack of girlie parts could make or break me in someones decision to date me. I recently went on a date.. I felt on edge, knowing that looming over my head so to speak was this big secret. When is the right time to say something. I wouldn't want to sound like some psychotic marriage crazed girl, yet I feel that my fertility, or lack of is a big issue that needs to be addressed before hearts become fully vested in a relationship. My first attempt at a date failed miserably and I hadn't even dumped the big news on him yet. Date number 2 will be this thursday evening, we shall see how it plays out and if I have the chance to drop my big dark secret on him, hoping he doesnt run out of the restaurant in hysterics.
Monday, January 3, 2011
8 months 7 days
It's still hard to believe that 8 months ago I had surgery. Time sure does fly by.
My first christmas post TAH has come and gone, it was everything and nothing like I expected it to be; after suffering for so long and being in so much pain for the holidays, it was so nice to not have the added stress of endometriosis around this holiday.
I really tried to keep a tough front for everyone and not be so emotional about it all, it's very hard to do. I am so blessed to be where I am at right at this moment in my life. I really shouldn't complain, because I have gotten a second chance at life and I am forever grateful. Sometimes I stop and think about it and I cry; cry tears of joy and sadness for what I have lost in the process of all this. Its a tough situation; not as easy as people seem to think. My life is back, yet I am left infertile.
Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what my life will be like in 5years. I know that I will be married to the love of my life, but I wonder if we will have a baby around for the holidays.
Will we ever be parents?
If so, how will it happen?
My mind wonders so much that sometimes it puts me in a fog.
Through this whole experience I have learned so much and gained a better understanding of who I am and what my purpose in life may be. My priorities and goals have shifted; I have matured in so many various aspects.
I can feel it in my heart and soul. 2011 WILL be a better year all around. :-)
My first christmas post TAH has come and gone, it was everything and nothing like I expected it to be; after suffering for so long and being in so much pain for the holidays, it was so nice to not have the added stress of endometriosis around this holiday.
I really tried to keep a tough front for everyone and not be so emotional about it all, it's very hard to do. I am so blessed to be where I am at right at this moment in my life. I really shouldn't complain, because I have gotten a second chance at life and I am forever grateful. Sometimes I stop and think about it and I cry; cry tears of joy and sadness for what I have lost in the process of all this. Its a tough situation; not as easy as people seem to think. My life is back, yet I am left infertile.
Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what my life will be like in 5years. I know that I will be married to the love of my life, but I wonder if we will have a baby around for the holidays.
Will we ever be parents?
If so, how will it happen?
My mind wonders so much that sometimes it puts me in a fog.
Through this whole experience I have learned so much and gained a better understanding of who I am and what my purpose in life may be. My priorities and goals have shifted; I have matured in so many various aspects.
I can feel it in my heart and soul. 2011 WILL be a better year all around. :-)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Emotional mess
To say this week has been nervewracking is an understatement. I think that this week can go in the books as the most emotional since the surgery week. It all started when last week I had a hydro/cysto for my IC. The surgery was a success, except for the getting sick twice post op.
I am grateful to have had the boyfriend and parents there for me in every aspect.
On Monday I had some other health issues that ended up putting me in the emergency room late Monday evening. In the end they werent able to give me a solid diagnosis, and I needed to followup with my gynecologist at my Friday morning appt. I did have elevated creatinine levels which ultimately meant some sort of kidney problem. I was in pain, scared, and frustrated that there wasn't a reason for all the things that were happening. The doctor seemed concerned that all the years of medications could be taking a toll on my kidneys.. Maybe the few medications that were keeping me healthy/ pain free were in reality harming me, shortening my overall years.
This morning I had my follow-up appointment and blood work. The short time I waited seemed like an eternity.
I hadn't seen Dr. C since October. It was at that appointment and I discussed how I wanted to lose some weight, as well as get my hormones on track. He made me set up an 8 week follow-up appointment to tie up lose ends and see how it all was going. Little did I know that the ER night would have to be resolved as well.
My blood levels weren't in yet...so, we talked.. It seems as if everytime there is a conversation about how I am feeling I start out strong and end up in tears of happiness. I told him how happy I was to be feeling like a new girl again, and how life is nothing like I expected it to be at this point.
...and.... the tears started flowing..... tears of joy...
This is my least favorite part about surgical menopause, I cry for no apparent reason...alot..
I walked out of the office in tears (of joy) of course..went to breakfast and awaited for the phone call which would tell me if there was in fact kidney issues or not.
This call would tell me if I needed to race over to the hospital to have a CT scan done to show something further.
Luckily, my levels were back to normal and they were able to give me a clean bill of health.
I don't think the boyfriend and I have ever been so happy in our entire relationship. I just looked at him when I got off the phone and gave him the 'its going to be alright look' we kissed and sighed in relief.
The week was finally over, through all the mess and tears we had made it through lucky...yet again.. I had been spared..
It is safe to say that my Holiday wishes have been granted.. I will never take my health for granted again.
I am thankful that my kidneys are still healthy and hangin' in there.
I am grateful to have had the boyfriend and parents there for me in every aspect.
On Monday I had some other health issues that ended up putting me in the emergency room late Monday evening. In the end they werent able to give me a solid diagnosis, and I needed to followup with my gynecologist at my Friday morning appt. I did have elevated creatinine levels which ultimately meant some sort of kidney problem. I was in pain, scared, and frustrated that there wasn't a reason for all the things that were happening. The doctor seemed concerned that all the years of medications could be taking a toll on my kidneys.. Maybe the few medications that were keeping me healthy/ pain free were in reality harming me, shortening my overall years.
This morning I had my follow-up appointment and blood work. The short time I waited seemed like an eternity.
I hadn't seen Dr. C since October. It was at that appointment and I discussed how I wanted to lose some weight, as well as get my hormones on track. He made me set up an 8 week follow-up appointment to tie up lose ends and see how it all was going. Little did I know that the ER night would have to be resolved as well.
My blood levels weren't in yet...so, we talked.. It seems as if everytime there is a conversation about how I am feeling I start out strong and end up in tears of happiness. I told him how happy I was to be feeling like a new girl again, and how life is nothing like I expected it to be at this point.
...and.... the tears started flowing..... tears of joy...
This is my least favorite part about surgical menopause, I cry for no apparent reason...alot..
I walked out of the office in tears (of joy) of course..went to breakfast and awaited for the phone call which would tell me if there was in fact kidney issues or not.
This call would tell me if I needed to race over to the hospital to have a CT scan done to show something further.
Luckily, my levels were back to normal and they were able to give me a clean bill of health.
I don't think the boyfriend and I have ever been so happy in our entire relationship. I just looked at him when I got off the phone and gave him the 'its going to be alright look' we kissed and sighed in relief.
The week was finally over, through all the mess and tears we had made it through lucky...yet again.. I had been spared..
It is safe to say that my Holiday wishes have been granted.. I will never take my health for granted again.
I am thankful that my kidneys are still healthy and hangin' in there.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thoughts
I will be the first to admit, staying positive isn't something I excel in all the time. While I was in the midst of my endometriosis period in my life, I said and did some pretty harsh things on facebook and to people whom I called friends.
The human body is so complex, even after all the surgeries, tests, and studying I still am in awe of how our bodies work to function on a daily basis. It is evident that pain wasn't in the master plan, but nonetheless we all experience pain from time to time. Some more so than others. I am sure that my endo sisters could understand the point I am trying to make. Endometriosis is beyond painful.
During my endometriosis journey I felt horrible, looking back I realize that I was literally living in a fog, far from the real world. Life seemed worthless, unfair, and hard. I was beyond mad at God for giving me a disease that controlled my entire life in almost every aspect. No one could tell me anything, because in my eyes, from my point of view I was cursed for life.
Because I failed to listen to anyones advice I missed out on alot of fun activities, milestones, and events that should have molded and played an important role in my early adulthood years.
Somehow, someway pain has a crazy way of blocking out a portion of realization. Now that I am on the outside looking back into what my life used to be I have a totally different view of how things were and what they should have been like.
My recovery process has been easy in retrospect to other women I know, yet I am struggling with so much. I had/ have some of the most amazing friends from endometriosis support groups. We have cried,laughed, struggled, and celebrated together. We have formed some of the best relationships. I look to these girls for support in life. It only seemed natural that we would remain friends like we once were. Somehow it all changed when I suddenly "got better". The girls I once relied on suddenly moved on, and stayed in a circle with others who can shar their pain. I no longer fit in, perhaps because my pain has subsided. The truth is, I miss these girls so much, life seems dull sometimes.
I wish that things were different and we could find a few more commonalities.
Sometimes I long to tell them something, yet I feel like it would only come out as a negative comment, because they arent always positive. I dont want to seem like I am disrepecting them, and I remember what I was like when I was in the same pain as them, listening to someone was out of the question.
So endo sisters, readers, and people who are suffering from any ailment.. Life is tough, the pain is inevitable, but stay positive and remember, there are many people who care for you and want the best in life for you.
The human body is so complex, even after all the surgeries, tests, and studying I still am in awe of how our bodies work to function on a daily basis. It is evident that pain wasn't in the master plan, but nonetheless we all experience pain from time to time. Some more so than others. I am sure that my endo sisters could understand the point I am trying to make. Endometriosis is beyond painful.
During my endometriosis journey I felt horrible, looking back I realize that I was literally living in a fog, far from the real world. Life seemed worthless, unfair, and hard. I was beyond mad at God for giving me a disease that controlled my entire life in almost every aspect. No one could tell me anything, because in my eyes, from my point of view I was cursed for life.
Because I failed to listen to anyones advice I missed out on alot of fun activities, milestones, and events that should have molded and played an important role in my early adulthood years.
Somehow, someway pain has a crazy way of blocking out a portion of realization. Now that I am on the outside looking back into what my life used to be I have a totally different view of how things were and what they should have been like.
My recovery process has been easy in retrospect to other women I know, yet I am struggling with so much. I had/ have some of the most amazing friends from endometriosis support groups. We have cried,laughed, struggled, and celebrated together. We have formed some of the best relationships. I look to these girls for support in life. It only seemed natural that we would remain friends like we once were. Somehow it all changed when I suddenly "got better". The girls I once relied on suddenly moved on, and stayed in a circle with others who can shar their pain. I no longer fit in, perhaps because my pain has subsided. The truth is, I miss these girls so much, life seems dull sometimes.
I wish that things were different and we could find a few more commonalities.
Sometimes I long to tell them something, yet I feel like it would only come out as a negative comment, because they arent always positive. I dont want to seem like I am disrepecting them, and I remember what I was like when I was in the same pain as them, listening to someone was out of the question.
So endo sisters, readers, and people who are suffering from any ailment.. Life is tough, the pain is inevitable, but stay positive and remember, there are many people who care for you and want the best in life for you.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
6 months
Today has been 6 months since my hysterectomy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the entirety of that day. The sequence of events, the words that were spoken, the smells, the whole thing, lingers on my mind oh so vividly. I often wonder how long I will remember that day and feel that pang in my heart. As I was being wheeled down the long hallway I remember hoping that my life was going to dramatically change and that I would be pain free...then the IV meds kicked in, and the last thing I remember was seeing a "in use" sign above my OR door and hearing some beating of music going on. I woke up on the other side so to speak, little did I know I was already a changing girl with a whole new world to explore and experience. No one could have prepared me enough for the journey that I am currently embarking on.
Little did I know that my random IV induced thoughts and wishes would come true. Each day my life changes a tiny bit more, and I am in less pain each day. I never imagined that after over 5 years of suffering from Endometriosis would suddenly stop all because my diseased organs were taken out.
Age is just a number, some people mature faster and experiences vary. I can't believe that I was 21 years old when my life changed in such a way. In some ways it seems so surreal and like a dream...but it's not. Sometimes I feel so alone with this whole experience. It is so rare to be 21 and have had experienced a surgery like this. I have alot of support and friends who really care about my well being, but they don't really truly understand what is going on in my head. Will anyone ever?
I didn't really think about this day as being as emotional as it has been. Last night it began to hit me and I had to let out a good cry. I don't really know why I cried, I wouldn't call it sadness that I feel, its more of a mixed emotional feeling. Like a loss of anything I am grieving. This is so much different than losing a person, the grieving process is very unique and very complicated. I don't think that the loss of my uterus hit me until a few months ago. I am grieving, and it has taken me this long to admit and accept it.
I have so many fears everyday. I hate living in fear. Atleast when I was in pain I didn't fear anything. I thought that I would always live in pain, so why not try anything, nothing could hurt worse, or so I thought. Now that I am pain free I live in fear that my pain will begin again. I find myself watching how I walk, run, and even breathe. Perhaps this fear is beginning to make me a little to cautious. I was once a 'try anyhing once' kind of girl, now I am a 'pause, take it in, ponder it kind of girl'.
Each month I try to celebrate to take away the sad feelings that I have. Over the next few days I am really going to celebrate because this is the halfway point of recovery. While I feel and look fine, my insides are still healing from the trauma of such a surgery. I am going to treat myself to a pedicure and a new present of some sort.
Today I celebrated by going to a pumpkin patch with the little boy I nanny for. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my 6 month hysterversary!
I can only sit here every day and think, pray, and wish like I did the day of my surgery, in hopes of staying in remission a whole lot longer.It worked that day, so maybe it work everyday that I stay positive. :)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
5 months has come and gone.
5 months 5 days! Incredible. I have almost made it to the halfway point of recovery. Each day leading to one year is proving to be worth waiting for.
Life has been so busy lately. My days are filled with getting up early and dressing in my best, then packing a lunch and heading into a classroom of 25 students. I never thought that my life would ever get to the point where I would have the energy to make it through an entire school day and then have energy after work to go out, clean, and spend time with Murphy.
I do have some daily minor issues which are in the process of being worked out. I dont have any major complaints other than not doing a TAH sooner. This week Thursday I have my pelvic floor therapy session, this will be the first of many, while the road will be long and hard I am confident in this woman who will be taking care of me. I also see my obgyn next Wednesday to discuss some other issues that are happening. I am hoping that by month 6 I will see some sort of improvement, so I can enjoy life even more!
Life has been so busy lately. My days are filled with getting up early and dressing in my best, then packing a lunch and heading into a classroom of 25 students. I never thought that my life would ever get to the point where I would have the energy to make it through an entire school day and then have energy after work to go out, clean, and spend time with Murphy.
I do have some daily minor issues which are in the process of being worked out. I dont have any major complaints other than not doing a TAH sooner. This week Thursday I have my pelvic floor therapy session, this will be the first of many, while the road will be long and hard I am confident in this woman who will be taking care of me. I also see my obgyn next Wednesday to discuss some other issues that are happening. I am hoping that by month 6 I will see some sort of improvement, so I can enjoy life even more!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Exploring my options
Since my TAH I have been reading and researching everything I can about menopause and life after hysterectomy. This is hard to do because there aren't many people who have had a TAH at age 21. I try to tweak the information to fit my life and so far I have made it work. One day I stumbled upon information about pelvic pain post TAH.
Since surgery I have had twinges of pain in my pelvic region. I will admit at first I was discouraged by the pain I was feeling, but as a poured into reading I found that its most likely scar tissue from all my past surgeries. I have had six of them total, thats alot of tissue build up! I found some information on Pelvic Floor Therapy.My doctor has brought this up to me at my 6 week post op appt, and left it as an option. As I was reading I was able to learn a bit more, personally I feel that I phoned my obgyn this morning and asked if I could still get a referral to see a pelvic floor person. Tonight they phoned back and said that they would set up and have the clinic get a hold of me.
I am keeping an open mind and hoping that this therapy is beneficial to me in more ways than one. While my pain is no where near where it was this time I am trying to be more proactive and on top of any pain that may be occuring in my body.
Since surgery I have had twinges of pain in my pelvic region. I will admit at first I was discouraged by the pain I was feeling, but as a poured into reading I found that its most likely scar tissue from all my past surgeries. I have had six of them total, thats alot of tissue build up! I found some information on Pelvic Floor Therapy.My doctor has brought this up to me at my 6 week post op appt, and left it as an option. As I was reading I was able to learn a bit more, personally I feel that I phoned my obgyn this morning and asked if I could still get a referral to see a pelvic floor person. Tonight they phoned back and said that they would set up and have the clinic get a hold of me.
I am keeping an open mind and hoping that this therapy is beneficial to me in more ways than one. While my pain is no where near where it was this time I am trying to be more proactive and on top of any pain that may be occuring in my body.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
19 weeks.
I have made it 19 whole weeks since my hysterectomy, this is the longest I have gone without pain in 5 years. I am in shock. I didn't have high hopes for this surgery, yet my expectations have been beyond exceeded.
Everyday is a struggle with some minor things. I have recently come out of my shock phase and moved onto the grieving phase of my recovery process. I find it weird that it took 4 months to get to this point. It seems as if all my friends/ people I know are pregnant. I find it very hard to stay silent and be a supportive person. I never expected to feel this way towards pregnant people, I feel almost ashamed of how I feel because I know that it is very selfish of me to feel this way. For some odd reason I wish I could feel a baby kick me, and feel what it is like to experience your body changing for a tiny life inside of you. At times I feel like a failure as a woman.
My body is experiencing weird things that I should not be experiencing at just 22 years old. Everyday is some new challenge, but I am learning to take it all in stride and day by day.
Everyday is a struggle with some minor things. I have recently come out of my shock phase and moved onto the grieving phase of my recovery process. I find it weird that it took 4 months to get to this point. It seems as if all my friends/ people I know are pregnant. I find it very hard to stay silent and be a supportive person. I never expected to feel this way towards pregnant people, I feel almost ashamed of how I feel because I know that it is very selfish of me to feel this way. For some odd reason I wish I could feel a baby kick me, and feel what it is like to experience your body changing for a tiny life inside of you. At times I feel like a failure as a woman.
My body is experiencing weird things that I should not be experiencing at just 22 years old. Everyday is some new challenge, but I am learning to take it all in stride and day by day.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
15wks 3 days
I can't believe that it has been almost 3 months since surgery. I have had every intention of updating my blog and writing about life, but it has slipped past me in a blink of an eye. So much has happend in a short amount of time I am not sure where to begin.
My life has completely changed, for the most part its good while I do have my bad and good days;its all to be expected. I feel great, its amazing how the pain has diminished about 95%, because the pain is gone sometimes I forget that I still have endometriosis, then the pain its me, mostly twinges of left sided pain. My panic mode sets in and I begin to feel depressed,knowing that at any moment life could be right back where it was months ago; except this time there is no uterus or ovary.
I have started running and working out, I try to go as much as possible for an hour a day, sometimes more. I am slowly starting to lose bits of weight, I only hope it stays off.
Since surgery I have been trying to aim towards making a life changing commitment of being happy and healthy. So far I am succeeding by setting goals and accomplishing them. It is my hope that I continue to feel as good as I have been.
My life has completely changed, for the most part its good while I do have my bad and good days;its all to be expected. I feel great, its amazing how the pain has diminished about 95%, because the pain is gone sometimes I forget that I still have endometriosis, then the pain its me, mostly twinges of left sided pain. My panic mode sets in and I begin to feel depressed,knowing that at any moment life could be right back where it was months ago; except this time there is no uterus or ovary.
I have started running and working out, I try to go as much as possible for an hour a day, sometimes more. I am slowly starting to lose bits of weight, I only hope it stays off.
Since surgery I have been trying to aim towards making a life changing commitment of being happy and healthy. So far I am succeeding by setting goals and accomplishing them. It is my hope that I continue to feel as good as I have been.
Friday, June 11, 2010
A dr's appointment and a yoga class
The days seem to fly by, more so now that I am feeling well enough to enjoy my life pain free. Tuesday I had my 6 week check-up with Dr. C. I'm not going to lie, I was alittle scared for this appointment. I have been mentally preparing myself for this day since pre surgery. I always play the "what if" card. I knew that emotionally I was going to be a mess if by chance when he did the exam to check my stitches that it hurt.
As the nurse handed me my sheer white sheet to cover up with I contemplated walking out.(of course I didn't) The wait for the doctor seemed to go on forever. When he finally walked in I grinned the hugest grin ever. I wanted to attack him and give him the biggest hug ever. I owe this man my life in some sense. Anyways, he did the exam, I practiced my concentrated breaths while he did his thing and I didn't feel a thing. He began poking around and NOTHING. No endometriosis pain, post op pain, or anything. I was so happy I could have cried. My restrictions were lifted and he said I was able to resume all normal activity..
My mind instantly wandered to....yoga.. I was so anxious to get back into my yoga class at the ymca, oh how I had missed that class.
Pre hysterectomy my endometriosis pain was so intense. The thought of bending in yoga class made my abdominal area ache. I attended class a few times here and there, I just couldnt justify the pain the day after.
There is a huge difference between thinking of doing something post op and actually following through with it. I have said I wanted to try so many new things and have yet to because of fear. Going to yoga class was going to need to be a spur of the moment thing, so I didnt psych myself out. I met up with the ex for a late lunch, we talked and took a walk through the mall. I had some time after we left one another before going to a friends house. I ended up back at my house eagerly jumping into my yoga gear and out the door to class.Needless to say I didn't meet up with my friend.
While at yoga class I said i wouldn't do anything I didn't feel comfortable doing. The instructor mostly concentrated on leg and neck support, not to much involving the abdominal area. I was thankful and felt like I had been meant to be there.
I made it through class and felt this rush of stress come out as well as an intense appreciation for my new life. I woke up this morning feeling even more on a high. There is no pain and my pelvic area feels so good.
Now if only I could convince myself to get back into running...
As the nurse handed me my sheer white sheet to cover up with I contemplated walking out.(of course I didn't) The wait for the doctor seemed to go on forever. When he finally walked in I grinned the hugest grin ever. I wanted to attack him and give him the biggest hug ever. I owe this man my life in some sense. Anyways, he did the exam, I practiced my concentrated breaths while he did his thing and I didn't feel a thing. He began poking around and NOTHING. No endometriosis pain, post op pain, or anything. I was so happy I could have cried. My restrictions were lifted and he said I was able to resume all normal activity..
My mind instantly wandered to....yoga.. I was so anxious to get back into my yoga class at the ymca, oh how I had missed that class.
Pre hysterectomy my endometriosis pain was so intense. The thought of bending in yoga class made my abdominal area ache. I attended class a few times here and there, I just couldnt justify the pain the day after.
There is a huge difference between thinking of doing something post op and actually following through with it. I have said I wanted to try so many new things and have yet to because of fear. Going to yoga class was going to need to be a spur of the moment thing, so I didnt psych myself out. I met up with the ex for a late lunch, we talked and took a walk through the mall. I had some time after we left one another before going to a friends house. I ended up back at my house eagerly jumping into my yoga gear and out the door to class.Needless to say I didn't meet up with my friend.
While at yoga class I said i wouldn't do anything I didn't feel comfortable doing. The instructor mostly concentrated on leg and neck support, not to much involving the abdominal area. I was thankful and felt like I had been meant to be there.
I made it through class and felt this rush of stress come out as well as an intense appreciation for my new life. I woke up this morning feeling even more on a high. There is no pain and my pelvic area feels so good.
Now if only I could convince myself to get back into running...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Wish granted
It has been almost 6 weeks since surgery. I am still in awe that this time has flown by so fast. I have come a long way in such a short time. Preparing for a life changing surgery is so easy feat. I researched and read as much as I could. I found a website called hystersisters very helpful. This website gave me some great ideas, preparation tips, etc on what to expect.
The day of the surgery I was a mess, As I was going through the motions at the hospital all I did was keep asking God to grant my wish of making me pain free even if it was for just a few days. I would take anything as long as the pain was gone. As I was waiting with my family in pre-op room the number 5 kept going through my mind, 5 years of suffering was hopefully going to come to and end. I have been in a fog for 5 years. I cannot believe it, how did I ever allow myself to get in this mess of narcotics and harsh drugs that invaded my body?
I have been in recovering for almost 6 weeks. April 27 has come and gone. So far I am on track, and according to hystersisters I am right where I am supposed to be activity and pain wise. I honestly didn't think things would ever be this smooth. Could it be that my wish has come true? Someone please pinch me, I must be dreaming. I went into surgery knowing that I am not "cured" but simply in a remission stage. I am fully aware that my endometriosis can come back at any time.
As I move on counting days towards my one year hysterversary I have yet to have any regrets. I have exceeded my expectations and am loving every minute of this pain-free life style.
At last, my wish was granted. :)
The day of the surgery I was a mess, As I was going through the motions at the hospital all I did was keep asking God to grant my wish of making me pain free even if it was for just a few days. I would take anything as long as the pain was gone. As I was waiting with my family in pre-op room the number 5 kept going through my mind, 5 years of suffering was hopefully going to come to and end. I have been in a fog for 5 years. I cannot believe it, how did I ever allow myself to get in this mess of narcotics and harsh drugs that invaded my body?
I have been in recovering for almost 6 weeks. April 27 has come and gone. So far I am on track, and according to hystersisters I am right where I am supposed to be activity and pain wise. I honestly didn't think things would ever be this smooth. Could it be that my wish has come true? Someone please pinch me, I must be dreaming. I went into surgery knowing that I am not "cured" but simply in a remission stage. I am fully aware that my endometriosis can come back at any time.
As I move on counting days towards my one year hysterversary I have yet to have any regrets. I have exceeded my expectations and am loving every minute of this pain-free life style.
At last, my wish was granted. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
