How does someone overcome the hurt they feel deep within themselves?
This thought has crossed my mind many times over the past 8 months.
Truth is..
I hurt.
Everyday.
I hurt.
deep within' me is a feeling of being lost.
I thought that once I past the first year of having the TAH I would feel alot better than I do.
Don't get me wrong, I did feel alot better.
then....
I met someone.
Truth is, I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I don't think that I have ever loved someone like this guy. It's a weird feeling to have that much feeling towards another being that I havent even known for that long.
yet, I look at him and feel sad.
I feel like I am cheating him out of the perfect life.
He has known since the night after our 2nd date what he was signing up for and he has had many outs, yet he hasn't taken them. Why? I am not quite sure.
When I look at him I feel like he could do better, like I am not a whole woman..
No one knows how I really feel deep down, it's taken alot of strength to admit this feeling. It's a feeling I am unsure on how I should react.
Part of me wants to let him go, to not be selfish and let him be happy with someone else, while the other part of me feels like I deserve someone as great as him, because...
DAMNIT I have struggled enough.
life owes me this much to be this happy.
As we settle on another night together and we lie back to back I will thank God one more night for a guy like him and hope that this lost feeling will slowly fade away and I can not feel so guilty about this life that I live.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
It's not that easy
Love.
Oh, so very complicated.
Let me just say, I was never looking for love. All I wanted was someone who I could share good company and have some harmless adult fun with.
Somewhere between the first kiss we shared and the intimate moments before bedtime I felt myself falling. This was not the plan
those words have crossed my mind over the past few days.
Am I in love? Is this real?
I know what I feel is way too real. Yet I am unsure what to do with the feelings that are deep within me.
We had another glorious weekend. I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him how I really felt, because I don’t want to be the one to tell him those three special words.
I feel like there are moments when I feel tense and afraid around him because I am so scared of messing things up.
Since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a wife someday. I just didn’t understand how hard it was to find that one person that I would and could love forever til the end of time.
I know that we have only been together a few months, and only time will tell how all of this plays out.
Until then I will keep my feelings to myself and the online blogging world.
Oh, so very complicated.
Let me just say, I was never looking for love. All I wanted was someone who I could share good company and have some harmless adult fun with.
Somewhere between the first kiss we shared and the intimate moments before bedtime I felt myself falling. This was not the plan
those words have crossed my mind over the past few days.
Am I in love? Is this real?
I know what I feel is way too real. Yet I am unsure what to do with the feelings that are deep within me.
We had another glorious weekend. I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him how I really felt, because I don’t want to be the one to tell him those three special words.
I feel like there are moments when I feel tense and afraid around him because I am so scared of messing things up.
Since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a wife someday. I just didn’t understand how hard it was to find that one person that I would and could love forever til the end of time.
I know that we have only been together a few months, and only time will tell how all of this plays out.
Until then I will keep my feelings to myself and the online blogging world.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Dating update
I know that I promised to stay on track with this whole blogging thing. Sadly, I didn’t keep my promise. Life happens and sometimes I barely have time to check even facebook. I feel so out of the loop sometimes and it’s kind of sad that we now rely on social media to keep us informed on all of our friend’s happenings in life. Anyways…
For about 2 months now I have been seeing someone. I went through the period of dating 2 guys, feeling the situation out and seeing how it would all play out. I ended up choosing one who I really felt a connection with.
I think that the hardest part in this relationship thus far was telling him about the situation at hand (being young, single, and infertile). At the time of the TAH I wasn’t thinking about the someday of having to tell some guy the whole story.
When I began dating again, this was always in the back of my mind. I felt like I was keeping this big secret that needed to be told before I could fully allow someone inside to see the real me.
There really isn’t a perfect moment or point in a relationship to tell someone what I had to tell him. I knew that he had a love for children and wanted to someday be a father (that made the telling part that much harder). It didn’t go as planned and looking back there is so much I would have done differently, yet it is what it is, it’s done and over with.
I was surprised that he was really supportive and willing to give “us” a chance. He handled the situation at a more mature level than I thought he would have. I hope that this guy sticks around for a while. 1. Because I really don’t want to start over by telling someone new. 2. He is pretty darn special and I like him a lot. :)
For about 2 months now I have been seeing someone. I went through the period of dating 2 guys, feeling the situation out and seeing how it would all play out. I ended up choosing one who I really felt a connection with.
I think that the hardest part in this relationship thus far was telling him about the situation at hand (being young, single, and infertile). At the time of the TAH I wasn’t thinking about the someday of having to tell some guy the whole story.
When I began dating again, this was always in the back of my mind. I felt like I was keeping this big secret that needed to be told before I could fully allow someone inside to see the real me.
There really isn’t a perfect moment or point in a relationship to tell someone what I had to tell him. I knew that he had a love for children and wanted to someday be a father (that made the telling part that much harder). It didn’t go as planned and looking back there is so much I would have done differently, yet it is what it is, it’s done and over with.
I was surprised that he was really supportive and willing to give “us” a chance. He handled the situation at a more mature level than I thought he would have. I hope that this guy sticks around for a while. 1. Because I really don’t want to start over by telling someone new. 2. He is pretty darn special and I like him a lot. :)
Saturday, June 4, 2011
quite a scare
This week has been a very interesting week. Words cannot describe the emotional scare that I experienced.
Since the hysterectomy I have felt amazingly great.
no pain.
no signs of remission being over.
Last week this all changed. I began experiencing an all too familiar pain.
yes, pelvic pain.
At first I didn't want to believe it, I thought that if I just took some ibuprofen it would disappear. This was not the case though. It began to become persistant. I even had pain the entire day while teaching my kiddos. It was a scary thought, yet sadly reality.
There were so many thoughts going through my head. First and foremost I was concerned for my new relationship. the boy knows me as a healthy girl who had endometriosis, but is now in a remission stage. I was scared to know how he would feel about this possible kink in our relationship. I gave him an 'out' because I didn't want to give my heart out and have yet another relationship fail because of endometriosis. Given the track record you can see why my guard is up.
The boy was very supportive and said that he was willing to take the risk and see what happend. He was so confident that maybe it wasn't the endometriosis but something else. Everyone had confidence but myself. I knew deep in my heart that something was not right.
I phoned my doctor with my concerns and scheduled an appointment for the next day. I saw my doctor on Friday. He did a pelvic exam and concluded that I have inflammed tissue from an upper respiratory infection as well as sore pelvic muscles from too much activity. No endo was present ( or so he could tell via pelvic exam) .
This whole ordeal was really an eye opener for me. I realized that I was becoming to comfortable in my own skin so to speak. I can't just treat my body as one that is healthy because I will never just be an ordinary girl.
I am glad that the outcome of this ordeal was a positive one. I am trying to remain positive and keep my chin up.. I am also trying not to jump to conclusions when a simple ache and pain comes my way.
Since the hysterectomy I have felt amazingly great.
no pain.
no signs of remission being over.
Last week this all changed. I began experiencing an all too familiar pain.
yes, pelvic pain.
At first I didn't want to believe it, I thought that if I just took some ibuprofen it would disappear. This was not the case though. It began to become persistant. I even had pain the entire day while teaching my kiddos. It was a scary thought, yet sadly reality.
There were so many thoughts going through my head. First and foremost I was concerned for my new relationship. the boy knows me as a healthy girl who had endometriosis, but is now in a remission stage. I was scared to know how he would feel about this possible kink in our relationship. I gave him an 'out' because I didn't want to give my heart out and have yet another relationship fail because of endometriosis. Given the track record you can see why my guard is up.
The boy was very supportive and said that he was willing to take the risk and see what happend. He was so confident that maybe it wasn't the endometriosis but something else. Everyone had confidence but myself. I knew deep in my heart that something was not right.
I phoned my doctor with my concerns and scheduled an appointment for the next day. I saw my doctor on Friday. He did a pelvic exam and concluded that I have inflammed tissue from an upper respiratory infection as well as sore pelvic muscles from too much activity. No endo was present ( or so he could tell via pelvic exam) .
This whole ordeal was really an eye opener for me. I realized that I was becoming to comfortable in my own skin so to speak. I can't just treat my body as one that is healthy because I will never just be an ordinary girl.
I am glad that the outcome of this ordeal was a positive one. I am trying to remain positive and keep my chin up.. I am also trying not to jump to conclusions when a simple ache and pain comes my way.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
22 pounds
To date I have lost 22lbs.
There isn't much to say..the proof is in the pictures.
so happy to see a drastic change. :)
Monday, May 30, 2011
13 months
Life at just a little over 13 months post TAH is nothing like I imagined it would be. As I celebrated my one year hysterversary I was reminded of just how great life is. I had my yearly check-up with Dr. C last month.
I tried to schedule it around the anniversary of the hysterectomy so that I would remember every year to get checked. I was nervous to go to the doctor, yet anxious to see what it would feel like to have a pelvic exam. When I got in there I was pretty happy. He did the exam and I felt no pain (this in itself made me want to scream pure joy). He said that everything healed beautifully and there is minimal scar tissue deep inside. The pelvic floor therapy and patience to heal really paid off. We discussed minor kinks that need to be worked out and I was given a clean bill of health. This is still something I am in awe of to this day, a month later.
The days have been so busy and filled with working too much and beginning all the festivities that come with starting the summer up. When May 27 hit I honestly didn’t remember that it was 13 months. There really isn’t a need to keep celebrating in a huge way, but I always try to take a minute to thank God and remember my amazing physician who gave me my life back.
Sometimes as I am driving and just pondering various things I have to remind myself that I am still not just an ordinary woman. I am a girl who has gone through extraordinary happenings and that is what makes me the woman that I have become at this present time in my life.
I used to wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t ever had endometriosis. Where would I be now? Mostly this occurs when my life is down and nothing seems to fall into place.
Currently, there are so many positives in my life. I am beyond grateful for what I have… I am truly blessed. I have my health, an amazing job, a blossoming relationship with a special guy, and support from all my friends. What more would a girl want?
I am excited to see what the next 11 months brings in not only my health but every aspect of my life. As I finish up my education degree and prepare to be in the real world full time, it is my hope that my endometriosis remains in the remission stage and I can begin life how it should have always been.
I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day holiday! Stay safe!
I tried to schedule it around the anniversary of the hysterectomy so that I would remember every year to get checked. I was nervous to go to the doctor, yet anxious to see what it would feel like to have a pelvic exam. When I got in there I was pretty happy. He did the exam and I felt no pain (this in itself made me want to scream pure joy). He said that everything healed beautifully and there is minimal scar tissue deep inside. The pelvic floor therapy and patience to heal really paid off. We discussed minor kinks that need to be worked out and I was given a clean bill of health. This is still something I am in awe of to this day, a month later.
The days have been so busy and filled with working too much and beginning all the festivities that come with starting the summer up. When May 27 hit I honestly didn’t remember that it was 13 months. There really isn’t a need to keep celebrating in a huge way, but I always try to take a minute to thank God and remember my amazing physician who gave me my life back.
Sometimes as I am driving and just pondering various things I have to remind myself that I am still not just an ordinary woman. I am a girl who has gone through extraordinary happenings and that is what makes me the woman that I have become at this present time in my life.
I used to wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t ever had endometriosis. Where would I be now? Mostly this occurs when my life is down and nothing seems to fall into place.
Currently, there are so many positives in my life. I am beyond grateful for what I have… I am truly blessed. I have my health, an amazing job, a blossoming relationship with a special guy, and support from all my friends. What more would a girl want?
I am excited to see what the next 11 months brings in not only my health but every aspect of my life. As I finish up my education degree and prepare to be in the real world full time, it is my hope that my endometriosis remains in the remission stage and I can begin life how it should have always been.
I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day holiday! Stay safe!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Happy Hysterversary! year one
One year…
Today is such a milestone in my life.
This year has been quite the rollercoaster ride of emotions. I can’t believe that last year this time I was preparing for the biggest change in my life, a decision that no women should ever have to make at any age. Yet, somehow God dealt me the cards and thought that I was the best fit to be able to handle making such a decision for myself, my future husband and my unknown future. When I think about the decision I made I wonder how I didn’t drive myself crazy, there was no way to know that exactly one year later life would be the same or different as it is now. It was a risk I was willing to take.
The memories of last year are etched in my mind so vividly; somehow I just can’t forget them. They replay in my mind over and over. Today I feel like I am in a constant battle of emotions wondering if the decision I made was the correct one for many reasons, yet somehow I feel that I wouldn’t change a thing because my life is perfectly content at this present time.
At 6 months post op I didn’t know how to ‘be’. I felt inadequate because there were things I wanted to do and still couldn’t do. In just 6 short months I have had the most enlightening experiences. I now understand for the first time how much my life and energy was consumed by my diseased uterus.
I look at a photograph of myself a year ago and I barely remember who that girl was. I know that she was scared, young and fearful of what the future held, but that is all I can remember. The mind has a funny way of blocking out the pain and heartache one once felt.
Since surgery the pain has diminished completely and I have an entirely new life. My endometriosis is in a quiet state of being and I own my life again. As I sit here I am in awe of who I have become over the past 12 months and I wonder who I will change into in another 12 months.
I feel as if I have transformed into a new women who finally has control of her life. Every morning when I wake up I have the upmost confidence that I can do anything I want to do because there is nothing stopping me physically from doing so. This in itself is what keeps me going from day to day; it’s a daily dose of personal inspiration.
While the pain is nonexistent there are many tasks at hand that need to be resolved. I am so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections. Relationships now are different than they used to be. I will allow someone to love me though. All in due time…
Brave, strong, role model, inspirational. All these plus more have been used in a sentence with my name in it. It’s amusing, because I don’t often feel like any of these. Most days I just feel like me. Wouldn’t anyone who had to make a decision such as this made the decision I made? I am just delighted that I can give my friends who suffer from endometriosis hope that someday their own life can be transformed as mine has been this year. Never lose hope girls.
I don’t think that I can entirely give myself all the credit for the way that I am today. Since the start of the endometriosis journey I have established the most amazing set of friends and support system in my life. There has ALWAYS been someone there for me in some way. I am SO thankful for that.
There are some people who have been there for me since the first official diagnosis, others at the midpoint, and others knew me right before the hysterectomy. I don’t love anyone less because you ALL have touched me in some way throughout the toughest parts of my life. Some people aren’t even in contact with me anymore and I miss that, but I know that I have to move on and realize that everything happens for a reason in life. If you are presently in my life, or helped me get through this past year and have lost contact I want to say “Thank-you!” You are truly a blessing in my life and I will NEVER forget your kindness and support to me.
Some things you just don’t question, I now know that this whole experience was meant to be and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Today is such a milestone in my life.
This year has been quite the rollercoaster ride of emotions. I can’t believe that last year this time I was preparing for the biggest change in my life, a decision that no women should ever have to make at any age. Yet, somehow God dealt me the cards and thought that I was the best fit to be able to handle making such a decision for myself, my future husband and my unknown future. When I think about the decision I made I wonder how I didn’t drive myself crazy, there was no way to know that exactly one year later life would be the same or different as it is now. It was a risk I was willing to take.
The memories of last year are etched in my mind so vividly; somehow I just can’t forget them. They replay in my mind over and over. Today I feel like I am in a constant battle of emotions wondering if the decision I made was the correct one for many reasons, yet somehow I feel that I wouldn’t change a thing because my life is perfectly content at this present time.
At 6 months post op I didn’t know how to ‘be’. I felt inadequate because there were things I wanted to do and still couldn’t do. In just 6 short months I have had the most enlightening experiences. I now understand for the first time how much my life and energy was consumed by my diseased uterus.
I look at a photograph of myself a year ago and I barely remember who that girl was. I know that she was scared, young and fearful of what the future held, but that is all I can remember. The mind has a funny way of blocking out the pain and heartache one once felt.
Since surgery the pain has diminished completely and I have an entirely new life. My endometriosis is in a quiet state of being and I own my life again. As I sit here I am in awe of who I have become over the past 12 months and I wonder who I will change into in another 12 months.
I feel as if I have transformed into a new women who finally has control of her life. Every morning when I wake up I have the upmost confidence that I can do anything I want to do because there is nothing stopping me physically from doing so. This in itself is what keeps me going from day to day; it’s a daily dose of personal inspiration.
While the pain is nonexistent there are many tasks at hand that need to be resolved. I am so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections. Relationships now are different than they used to be. I will allow someone to love me though. All in due time…
Brave, strong, role model, inspirational. All these plus more have been used in a sentence with my name in it. It’s amusing, because I don’t often feel like any of these. Most days I just feel like me. Wouldn’t anyone who had to make a decision such as this made the decision I made? I am just delighted that I can give my friends who suffer from endometriosis hope that someday their own life can be transformed as mine has been this year. Never lose hope girls.
I don’t think that I can entirely give myself all the credit for the way that I am today. Since the start of the endometriosis journey I have established the most amazing set of friends and support system in my life. There has ALWAYS been someone there for me in some way. I am SO thankful for that.
There are some people who have been there for me since the first official diagnosis, others at the midpoint, and others knew me right before the hysterectomy. I don’t love anyone less because you ALL have touched me in some way throughout the toughest parts of my life. Some people aren’t even in contact with me anymore and I miss that, but I know that I have to move on and realize that everything happens for a reason in life. If you are presently in my life, or helped me get through this past year and have lost contact I want to say “Thank-you!” You are truly a blessing in my life and I will NEVER forget your kindness and support to me.
Some things you just don’t question, I now know that this whole experience was meant to be and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
