6 months

Today has been 6 months since my hysterectomy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the entirety of that day. The sequence of events, the words that were spoken, the smells, the whole thing, lingers on my mind oh so vividly. I often wonder how long I will remember that day and feel that pang in my heart. As I was being wheeled down the long hallway I remember hoping that my life was going to dramatically change and that I would be pain free...then the IV meds kicked in, and the last thing I remember was seeing a "in use" sign above my OR door and hearing some beating of music going on. I woke up on the other side so to speak, little did I know I was already a changing girl with a whole new world to explore and experience. No one could have prepared me enough for the journey that I am currently embarking on.
Little did I know that my random IV induced thoughts and wishes would come true. Each day my life changes a tiny bit more, and I am in less pain each day. I never imagined that after over 5 years of suffering from Endometriosis would suddenly stop all because my diseased organs were taken out.
Age is just a number, some people mature faster and experiences vary. I can't believe that I was 21 years old when my life changed in such a way. In some ways it seems so surreal and like a dream...but it's not. Sometimes I feel so alone with this whole experience. It is so rare to be 21 and have had experienced a surgery like this. I have alot of support and friends who really care about my well being, but they don't really truly understand what is going on in my head. Will anyone ever?
I didn't really think about this day as being as emotional as it has been. Last night it began to hit me and I had to let out a good cry. I don't really know why I cried, I wouldn't call it sadness that I feel, its more of a mixed emotional feeling. Like a loss of anything I am grieving. This is so much different than losing a person, the grieving process is very unique and very complicated. I don't think that the loss of my uterus hit me until a few months ago. I am grieving, and it has taken me this long to admit and accept it.
I have so many fears everyday. I hate living in fear. Atleast when I was in pain I didn't fear anything. I thought that I would always live in pain, so why not try anything, nothing could hurt worse, or so I thought. Now that I am pain free I live in fear that my pain will begin again. I find myself watching how I walk, run, and even breathe. Perhaps this fear is beginning to make me a little to cautious. I was once a 'try anyhing once' kind of girl, now I am a 'pause, take it in, ponder it kind of girl'.
Each month I try to celebrate to take away the sad feelings that I have. Over the next few days I am really going to celebrate because this is the halfway point of recovery. While I feel and look fine, my insides are still healing from the trauma of such a surgery. I am going to treat myself to a pedicure and a new present of some sort.
Today I celebrated by going to a pumpkin patch with the little boy I nanny for. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my 6 month hysterversary!

I can only sit here every day and think, pray, and wish like I did the day of my surgery, in hopes of staying in remission a whole lot longer.It worked that day, so maybe it work everyday that I stay positive. :)