Happy Hysterversary! year one

One year…
Today is such a milestone in my life.
This year has been quite the rollercoaster ride of emotions. I can’t believe that last year this time I was preparing for the biggest change in my life, a decision that no women should ever have to make at any age. Yet, somehow God dealt me the cards and thought that I was the best fit to be able to handle making such a decision for myself, my future husband and my unknown future. When I think about the decision I made I wonder how I didn’t drive myself crazy, there was no way to know that exactly one year later life would be the same or different as it is now. It was a risk I was willing to take.



The memories of last year are etched in my mind so vividly; somehow I just can’t forget them. They replay in my mind over and over. Today I feel like I am in a constant battle of emotions wondering if the decision I made was the correct one for many reasons, yet somehow I feel that I wouldn’t change a thing because my life is perfectly content at this present time.



At 6 months post op I didn’t know how to ‘be’. I felt inadequate because there were things I wanted to do and still couldn’t do. In just 6 short months I have had the most enlightening experiences. I now understand for the first time how much my life and energy was consumed by my diseased uterus.



I look at a photograph of myself a year ago and I barely remember who that girl was. I know that she was scared, young and fearful of what the future held, but that is all I can remember. The mind has a funny way of blocking out the pain and heartache one once felt.


Since surgery the pain has diminished completely and I have an entirely new life. My endometriosis is in a quiet state of being and I own my life again. As I sit here I am in awe of who I have become over the past 12 months and I wonder who I will change into in another 12 months.



I feel as if I have transformed into a new women who finally has control of her life. Every morning when I wake up I have the upmost confidence that I can do anything I want to do because there is nothing stopping me physically from doing so. This in itself is what keeps me going from day to day; it’s a daily dose of personal inspiration.



While the pain is nonexistent there are many tasks at hand that need to be resolved. I am so afraid of showing someone else my imperfections. Relationships now are different than they used to be. I will allow someone to love me though. All in due time…


Brave, strong, role model, inspirational. All these plus more have been used in a sentence with my name in it. It’s amusing, because I don’t often feel like any of these. Most days I just feel like me. Wouldn’t anyone who had to make a decision such as this made the decision I made? I am just delighted that I can give my friends who suffer from endometriosis hope that someday their own life can be transformed as mine has been this year. Never lose hope girls.


I don’t think that I can entirely give myself all the credit for the way that I am today. Since the start of the endometriosis journey I have established the most amazing set of friends and support system in my life. There has ALWAYS been someone there for me in some way. I am SO thankful for that.


There are some people who have been there for me since the first official diagnosis, others at the midpoint, and others knew me right before the hysterectomy. I don’t love anyone less because you ALL have touched me in some way throughout the toughest parts of my life. Some people aren’t even in contact with me anymore and I miss that, but I know that I have to move on and realize that everything happens for a reason in life. If you are presently in my life, or helped me get through this past year and have lost contact I want to say “Thank-you!” You are truly a blessing in my life and I will NEVER forget your kindness and support to me.


Some things you just don’t question, I now know that this whole experience was meant to be and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Still withholding

Numerous dates with 2 very different, yet potential guys. I forgot how exhausting dating can be, learning about someone takes a lot of work on both parts and its a new experience for me. After being with the same person for almost 2 years I realize now how much I learned in those two short years about this person. Starting all over again is something I never intended to do. This afternoon I had a very enchanting date. We played a round of mini golf, went to lunch, and walked around the park and the mall. As the afternoon went on I became more comfortable and absolutely smitten with this guy. He is everything I would ever want in someone. I felt so normal that I forgot for a small second that hey! My uterus is still missing and I a with holding some very important information. We were getting ready to leave one another ( after a 5 hr date I still wanted him more, wanted to learn everything I could about him) We somehow got on the wagon of children and he seemed very sympathetic to infertility and shared his experiences in dealing with friends and miscarriages. I just sat there thinking Oh, boy do I know. Yet, witholding, because I felt it still wasnt time yet. We kissed, it was quite magical if I do say so myself. aaand I am still here holding deep inside me this secret, because he loves kids and very much wants his own someday.. and while I feel the same way, I am still not normal. Our next date just may be the day that I let it all out.. if only telling him were an easier task that I didn't dread so much.

Dropping the bomb

Endometriosis; a horrid disease in which alters one life. It makes dating difficult, sex often impossible, yet somehow I made it through 2 very serious relationship with endo. Then there was the hysterectomy, followed by a break-up. Somehow I didn't see the two co insiding. I am left here back in the dating scene trying to find 'the one'. Someone who I can spend my forever with. While I am in search of Mr. Right I have this big deep dark secret looming inside my head, heavy on my heart. This secret is bursting to come out because frankly its now a huge part of my life in which could send the potential Mr. Right running in the other direction. This afternoon I had a date. A first date in which went extremely well. Conversation was good, all around great first date. This guy is someone I could potentially see myself dating, leading into something more serious. All seems perfect right? A great guy, a cute girl. what more could I ever want? fertility. I have this sudden realization that I am much different than women my age out in the dating scene. I lack a uterus. One would think that nearly a year later this wouldnt be such a shock, yet it is, and I have a feeling will remain so for a while too.. So here I sit pondering my next move. Perhaps tomorrow could be the day I spill my guts to him, let him know my deepest most inner thoughts and drop this so called bomb on him, seeing what he will do. Will he be scared away, or will he be sympathetic to my needs and wants in life. Because I never thought I would be here in this place at this exact moment.. Pain free, single, without a uterus, and witholding such important information from someone. I am hoping for a miracle, that the words will flow as smoothly a possible and as effectively truthful as they can be.. because after dealing with endo for 5 yrs telling someone something as little as this shouldnt be that hard. After fighting endo for so long anything in comparison should be easy as pie. if only...

Dating post hysterectomy

It never occured to me that I would have to date post hysterectomy. Last year this time I was in a committed relationship with someone who I loved dearly. We stuck together through the endometriosis journey and onto the TAH journey as well. I always felt like we would go through it together, naturally... Recently we decided to break-up. At first I was devastated at the fact that I wasn't going to have someone to love. Then it hit me. Dating post hysterectomy is a whole different world now. My lack of girlie parts could make or break me in someones decision to date me. I recently went on a date.. I felt on edge, knowing that looming over my head so to speak was this big secret. When is the right time to say something. I wouldn't want to sound like some psychotic marriage crazed girl, yet I feel that my fertility, or lack of is a big issue that needs to be addressed before hearts become fully vested in a relationship. My first attempt at a date failed miserably and I hadn't even dumped the big news on him yet. Date number 2 will be this thursday evening, we shall see how it plays out and if I have the chance to drop my big dark secret on him, hoping he doesnt run out of the restaurant in hysterics.

8 months 7 days

It's still hard to believe that 8 months ago I had surgery. Time sure does fly by.

My first christmas post TAH has come and gone, it was everything and nothing like I expected it to be; after suffering for so long and being in so much pain for the holidays, it was so nice to not have the added stress of endometriosis around this holiday.

I really tried to keep a tough front for everyone and not be so emotional about it all, it's very hard to do. I am so blessed to be where I am at right at this moment in my life. I really shouldn't complain, because I have gotten a second chance at life and I am forever grateful. Sometimes I stop and think about it and I cry; cry tears of joy and sadness for what I have lost in the process of all this. Its a tough situation; not as easy as people seem to think. My life is back, yet I am left infertile.

Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what my life will be like in 5years. I know that I will be married to the love of my life, but I wonder if we will have a baby around for the holidays.

Will we ever be parents?

If so, how will it happen?

My mind wonders so much that sometimes it puts me in a fog.

Through this whole experience I have learned so much and gained a better understanding of who I am and what my purpose in life may be. My priorities and goals have shifted; I have matured in so many various aspects.

I can feel it in my heart and soul. 2011 WILL be a better year all around. :-)

Emotional mess

To say this week has been nervewracking is an understatement. I think that this week can go in the books as the most emotional since the surgery week. It all started when last week I had a hydro/cysto for my IC. The surgery was a success, except for the getting sick twice post op.

I am grateful to have had the boyfriend and parents there for me in every aspect.

On Monday I had some other health issues that ended up putting me in the emergency room late Monday evening. In the end they werent able to give me a solid diagnosis, and I needed to followup with my gynecologist at my Friday morning appt. I did have elevated creatinine levels which ultimately meant some sort of kidney problem. I was in pain, scared, and frustrated that there wasn't a reason for all the things that were happening. The doctor seemed concerned that all the years of medications could be taking a toll on my kidneys.. Maybe the few medications that were keeping me healthy/ pain free were in reality harming me, shortening my overall years.

This morning I had my follow-up appointment and blood work. The short time I waited seemed like an eternity.

I hadn't seen Dr. C since October. It was at that appointment and I discussed how I wanted to lose some weight, as well as get my hormones on track. He made me set up an 8 week follow-up appointment to tie up lose ends and see how it all was going. Little did I know that the ER night would have to be resolved as well.

My blood levels weren't in yet...so, we talked.. It seems as if everytime there is a conversation about how I am feeling I start out strong and end up in tears of happiness. I told him how happy I was to be feeling like a new girl again, and how life is nothing like I expected it to be at this point.
...and.... the tears started flowing..... tears of joy...

This is my least favorite part about surgical menopause, I cry for no apparent reason...alot..

I walked out of the office in tears (of joy) of course..went to breakfast and awaited for the phone call which would tell me if there was in fact kidney issues or not.
This call would tell me if I needed to race over to the hospital to have a CT scan done to show something further.
Luckily, my levels were back to normal and they were able to give me a clean bill of health.

I don't think the boyfriend and I have ever been so happy in our entire relationship. I just looked at him when I got off the phone and gave him the 'its going to be alright look' we kissed and sighed in relief.
The week was finally over, through all the mess and tears we had made it through lucky...yet again.. I had been spared..

It is safe to say that my Holiday wishes have been granted.. I will never take my health for granted again.

I am thankful that my kidneys are still healthy and hangin' in there.

Thoughts

I will be the first to admit, staying positive isn't something I excel in all the time. While I was in the midst of my endometriosis period in my life, I said and did some pretty harsh things on facebook and to people whom I called friends.
The human body is so complex, even after all the surgeries, tests, and studying I still am in awe of how our bodies work to function on a daily basis. It is evident that pain wasn't in the master plan, but nonetheless we all experience pain from time to time. Some more so than others. I am sure that my endo sisters could understand the point I am trying to make. Endometriosis is beyond painful.
During my endometriosis journey I felt horrible, looking back I realize that I was literally living in a fog, far from the real world. Life seemed worthless, unfair, and hard. I was beyond mad at God for giving me a disease that controlled my entire life in almost every aspect. No one could tell me anything, because in my eyes, from my point of view I was cursed for life.
Because I failed to listen to anyones advice I missed out on alot of fun activities, milestones, and events that should have molded and played an important role in my early adulthood years.

Somehow, someway pain has a crazy way of blocking out a portion of realization. Now that I am on the outside looking back into what my life used to be I have a totally different view of how things were and what they should have been like.

My recovery process has been easy in retrospect to other women I know, yet I am struggling with so much. I had/ have some of the most amazing friends from endometriosis support groups. We have cried,laughed, struggled, and celebrated together. We have formed some of the best relationships. I look to these girls for support in life. It only seemed natural that we would remain friends like we once were. Somehow it all changed when I suddenly "got better". The girls I once relied on suddenly moved on, and stayed in a circle with others who can shar their pain. I no longer fit in, perhaps because my pain has subsided. The truth is, I miss these girls so much, life seems dull sometimes.
I wish that things were different and we could find a few more commonalities.
Sometimes I long to tell them something, yet I feel like it would only come out as a negative comment, because they arent always positive. I dont want to seem like I am disrepecting them, and I remember what I was like when I was in the same pain as them, listening to someone was out of the question.
So endo sisters, readers, and people who are suffering from any ailment.. Life is tough, the pain is inevitable, but stay positive and remember, there are many people who care for you and want the best in life for you.