To say this week has been nervewracking is an understatement. I think that this week can go in the books as the most emotional since the surgery week. It all started when last week I had a hydro/cysto for my IC. The surgery was a success, except for the getting sick twice post op.
I am grateful to have had the boyfriend and parents there for me in every aspect.
On Monday I had some other health issues that ended up putting me in the emergency room late Monday evening. In the end they werent able to give me a solid diagnosis, and I needed to followup with my gynecologist at my Friday morning appt. I did have elevated creatinine levels which ultimately meant some sort of kidney problem. I was in pain, scared, and frustrated that there wasn't a reason for all the things that were happening. The doctor seemed concerned that all the years of medications could be taking a toll on my kidneys.. Maybe the few medications that were keeping me healthy/ pain free were in reality harming me, shortening my overall years.
This morning I had my follow-up appointment and blood work. The short time I waited seemed like an eternity.
I hadn't seen Dr. C since October. It was at that appointment and I discussed how I wanted to lose some weight, as well as get my hormones on track. He made me set up an 8 week follow-up appointment to tie up lose ends and see how it all was going. Little did I know that the ER night would have to be resolved as well.
My blood levels weren't in yet...so, we talked.. It seems as if everytime there is a conversation about how I am feeling I start out strong and end up in tears of happiness. I told him how happy I was to be feeling like a new girl again, and how life is nothing like I expected it to be at this point.
...and.... the tears started flowing..... tears of joy...
This is my least favorite part about surgical menopause, I cry for no apparent reason...alot..
I walked out of the office in tears (of joy) of course..went to breakfast and awaited for the phone call which would tell me if there was in fact kidney issues or not.
This call would tell me if I needed to race over to the hospital to have a CT scan done to show something further.
Luckily, my levels were back to normal and they were able to give me a clean bill of health.
I don't think the boyfriend and I have ever been so happy in our entire relationship. I just looked at him when I got off the phone and gave him the 'its going to be alright look' we kissed and sighed in relief.
The week was finally over, through all the mess and tears we had made it through lucky...yet again.. I had been spared..
It is safe to say that my Holiday wishes have been granted.. I will never take my health for granted again.
I am thankful that my kidneys are still healthy and hangin' in there.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thoughts
I will be the first to admit, staying positive isn't something I excel in all the time. While I was in the midst of my endometriosis period in my life, I said and did some pretty harsh things on facebook and to people whom I called friends.
The human body is so complex, even after all the surgeries, tests, and studying I still am in awe of how our bodies work to function on a daily basis. It is evident that pain wasn't in the master plan, but nonetheless we all experience pain from time to time. Some more so than others. I am sure that my endo sisters could understand the point I am trying to make. Endometriosis is beyond painful.
During my endometriosis journey I felt horrible, looking back I realize that I was literally living in a fog, far from the real world. Life seemed worthless, unfair, and hard. I was beyond mad at God for giving me a disease that controlled my entire life in almost every aspect. No one could tell me anything, because in my eyes, from my point of view I was cursed for life.
Because I failed to listen to anyones advice I missed out on alot of fun activities, milestones, and events that should have molded and played an important role in my early adulthood years.
Somehow, someway pain has a crazy way of blocking out a portion of realization. Now that I am on the outside looking back into what my life used to be I have a totally different view of how things were and what they should have been like.
My recovery process has been easy in retrospect to other women I know, yet I am struggling with so much. I had/ have some of the most amazing friends from endometriosis support groups. We have cried,laughed, struggled, and celebrated together. We have formed some of the best relationships. I look to these girls for support in life. It only seemed natural that we would remain friends like we once were. Somehow it all changed when I suddenly "got better". The girls I once relied on suddenly moved on, and stayed in a circle with others who can shar their pain. I no longer fit in, perhaps because my pain has subsided. The truth is, I miss these girls so much, life seems dull sometimes.
I wish that things were different and we could find a few more commonalities.
Sometimes I long to tell them something, yet I feel like it would only come out as a negative comment, because they arent always positive. I dont want to seem like I am disrepecting them, and I remember what I was like when I was in the same pain as them, listening to someone was out of the question.
So endo sisters, readers, and people who are suffering from any ailment.. Life is tough, the pain is inevitable, but stay positive and remember, there are many people who care for you and want the best in life for you.
The human body is so complex, even after all the surgeries, tests, and studying I still am in awe of how our bodies work to function on a daily basis. It is evident that pain wasn't in the master plan, but nonetheless we all experience pain from time to time. Some more so than others. I am sure that my endo sisters could understand the point I am trying to make. Endometriosis is beyond painful.
During my endometriosis journey I felt horrible, looking back I realize that I was literally living in a fog, far from the real world. Life seemed worthless, unfair, and hard. I was beyond mad at God for giving me a disease that controlled my entire life in almost every aspect. No one could tell me anything, because in my eyes, from my point of view I was cursed for life.
Because I failed to listen to anyones advice I missed out on alot of fun activities, milestones, and events that should have molded and played an important role in my early adulthood years.
Somehow, someway pain has a crazy way of blocking out a portion of realization. Now that I am on the outside looking back into what my life used to be I have a totally different view of how things were and what they should have been like.
My recovery process has been easy in retrospect to other women I know, yet I am struggling with so much. I had/ have some of the most amazing friends from endometriosis support groups. We have cried,laughed, struggled, and celebrated together. We have formed some of the best relationships. I look to these girls for support in life. It only seemed natural that we would remain friends like we once were. Somehow it all changed when I suddenly "got better". The girls I once relied on suddenly moved on, and stayed in a circle with others who can shar their pain. I no longer fit in, perhaps because my pain has subsided. The truth is, I miss these girls so much, life seems dull sometimes.
I wish that things were different and we could find a few more commonalities.
Sometimes I long to tell them something, yet I feel like it would only come out as a negative comment, because they arent always positive. I dont want to seem like I am disrepecting them, and I remember what I was like when I was in the same pain as them, listening to someone was out of the question.
So endo sisters, readers, and people who are suffering from any ailment.. Life is tough, the pain is inevitable, but stay positive and remember, there are many people who care for you and want the best in life for you.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
6 months
Today has been 6 months since my hysterectomy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the entirety of that day. The sequence of events, the words that were spoken, the smells, the whole thing, lingers on my mind oh so vividly. I often wonder how long I will remember that day and feel that pang in my heart. As I was being wheeled down the long hallway I remember hoping that my life was going to dramatically change and that I would be pain free...then the IV meds kicked in, and the last thing I remember was seeing a "in use" sign above my OR door and hearing some beating of music going on. I woke up on the other side so to speak, little did I know I was already a changing girl with a whole new world to explore and experience. No one could have prepared me enough for the journey that I am currently embarking on.
Little did I know that my random IV induced thoughts and wishes would come true. Each day my life changes a tiny bit more, and I am in less pain each day. I never imagined that after over 5 years of suffering from Endometriosis would suddenly stop all because my diseased organs were taken out.
Age is just a number, some people mature faster and experiences vary. I can't believe that I was 21 years old when my life changed in such a way. In some ways it seems so surreal and like a dream...but it's not. Sometimes I feel so alone with this whole experience. It is so rare to be 21 and have had experienced a surgery like this. I have alot of support and friends who really care about my well being, but they don't really truly understand what is going on in my head. Will anyone ever?
I didn't really think about this day as being as emotional as it has been. Last night it began to hit me and I had to let out a good cry. I don't really know why I cried, I wouldn't call it sadness that I feel, its more of a mixed emotional feeling. Like a loss of anything I am grieving. This is so much different than losing a person, the grieving process is very unique and very complicated. I don't think that the loss of my uterus hit me until a few months ago. I am grieving, and it has taken me this long to admit and accept it.
I have so many fears everyday. I hate living in fear. Atleast when I was in pain I didn't fear anything. I thought that I would always live in pain, so why not try anything, nothing could hurt worse, or so I thought. Now that I am pain free I live in fear that my pain will begin again. I find myself watching how I walk, run, and even breathe. Perhaps this fear is beginning to make me a little to cautious. I was once a 'try anyhing once' kind of girl, now I am a 'pause, take it in, ponder it kind of girl'.
Each month I try to celebrate to take away the sad feelings that I have. Over the next few days I am really going to celebrate because this is the halfway point of recovery. While I feel and look fine, my insides are still healing from the trauma of such a surgery. I am going to treat myself to a pedicure and a new present of some sort.
Today I celebrated by going to a pumpkin patch with the little boy I nanny for. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my 6 month hysterversary!
I can only sit here every day and think, pray, and wish like I did the day of my surgery, in hopes of staying in remission a whole lot longer.It worked that day, so maybe it work everyday that I stay positive. :)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
5 months has come and gone.
5 months 5 days! Incredible. I have almost made it to the halfway point of recovery. Each day leading to one year is proving to be worth waiting for.
Life has been so busy lately. My days are filled with getting up early and dressing in my best, then packing a lunch and heading into a classroom of 25 students. I never thought that my life would ever get to the point where I would have the energy to make it through an entire school day and then have energy after work to go out, clean, and spend time with Murphy.
I do have some daily minor issues which are in the process of being worked out. I dont have any major complaints other than not doing a TAH sooner. This week Thursday I have my pelvic floor therapy session, this will be the first of many, while the road will be long and hard I am confident in this woman who will be taking care of me. I also see my obgyn next Wednesday to discuss some other issues that are happening. I am hoping that by month 6 I will see some sort of improvement, so I can enjoy life even more!
Life has been so busy lately. My days are filled with getting up early and dressing in my best, then packing a lunch and heading into a classroom of 25 students. I never thought that my life would ever get to the point where I would have the energy to make it through an entire school day and then have energy after work to go out, clean, and spend time with Murphy.
I do have some daily minor issues which are in the process of being worked out. I dont have any major complaints other than not doing a TAH sooner. This week Thursday I have my pelvic floor therapy session, this will be the first of many, while the road will be long and hard I am confident in this woman who will be taking care of me. I also see my obgyn next Wednesday to discuss some other issues that are happening. I am hoping that by month 6 I will see some sort of improvement, so I can enjoy life even more!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Exploring my options
Since my TAH I have been reading and researching everything I can about menopause and life after hysterectomy. This is hard to do because there aren't many people who have had a TAH at age 21. I try to tweak the information to fit my life and so far I have made it work. One day I stumbled upon information about pelvic pain post TAH.
Since surgery I have had twinges of pain in my pelvic region. I will admit at first I was discouraged by the pain I was feeling, but as a poured into reading I found that its most likely scar tissue from all my past surgeries. I have had six of them total, thats alot of tissue build up! I found some information on Pelvic Floor Therapy.My doctor has brought this up to me at my 6 week post op appt, and left it as an option. As I was reading I was able to learn a bit more, personally I feel that I phoned my obgyn this morning and asked if I could still get a referral to see a pelvic floor person. Tonight they phoned back and said that they would set up and have the clinic get a hold of me.
I am keeping an open mind and hoping that this therapy is beneficial to me in more ways than one. While my pain is no where near where it was this time I am trying to be more proactive and on top of any pain that may be occuring in my body.
Since surgery I have had twinges of pain in my pelvic region. I will admit at first I was discouraged by the pain I was feeling, but as a poured into reading I found that its most likely scar tissue from all my past surgeries. I have had six of them total, thats alot of tissue build up! I found some information on Pelvic Floor Therapy.My doctor has brought this up to me at my 6 week post op appt, and left it as an option. As I was reading I was able to learn a bit more, personally I feel that I phoned my obgyn this morning and asked if I could still get a referral to see a pelvic floor person. Tonight they phoned back and said that they would set up and have the clinic get a hold of me.
I am keeping an open mind and hoping that this therapy is beneficial to me in more ways than one. While my pain is no where near where it was this time I am trying to be more proactive and on top of any pain that may be occuring in my body.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
19 weeks.
I have made it 19 whole weeks since my hysterectomy, this is the longest I have gone without pain in 5 years. I am in shock. I didn't have high hopes for this surgery, yet my expectations have been beyond exceeded.
Everyday is a struggle with some minor things. I have recently come out of my shock phase and moved onto the grieving phase of my recovery process. I find it weird that it took 4 months to get to this point. It seems as if all my friends/ people I know are pregnant. I find it very hard to stay silent and be a supportive person. I never expected to feel this way towards pregnant people, I feel almost ashamed of how I feel because I know that it is very selfish of me to feel this way. For some odd reason I wish I could feel a baby kick me, and feel what it is like to experience your body changing for a tiny life inside of you. At times I feel like a failure as a woman.
My body is experiencing weird things that I should not be experiencing at just 22 years old. Everyday is some new challenge, but I am learning to take it all in stride and day by day.
Everyday is a struggle with some minor things. I have recently come out of my shock phase and moved onto the grieving phase of my recovery process. I find it weird that it took 4 months to get to this point. It seems as if all my friends/ people I know are pregnant. I find it very hard to stay silent and be a supportive person. I never expected to feel this way towards pregnant people, I feel almost ashamed of how I feel because I know that it is very selfish of me to feel this way. For some odd reason I wish I could feel a baby kick me, and feel what it is like to experience your body changing for a tiny life inside of you. At times I feel like a failure as a woman.
My body is experiencing weird things that I should not be experiencing at just 22 years old. Everyday is some new challenge, but I am learning to take it all in stride and day by day.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
15wks 3 days
I can't believe that it has been almost 3 months since surgery. I have had every intention of updating my blog and writing about life, but it has slipped past me in a blink of an eye. So much has happend in a short amount of time I am not sure where to begin.
My life has completely changed, for the most part its good while I do have my bad and good days;its all to be expected. I feel great, its amazing how the pain has diminished about 95%, because the pain is gone sometimes I forget that I still have endometriosis, then the pain its me, mostly twinges of left sided pain. My panic mode sets in and I begin to feel depressed,knowing that at any moment life could be right back where it was months ago; except this time there is no uterus or ovary.
I have started running and working out, I try to go as much as possible for an hour a day, sometimes more. I am slowly starting to lose bits of weight, I only hope it stays off.
Since surgery I have been trying to aim towards making a life changing commitment of being happy and healthy. So far I am succeeding by setting goals and accomplishing them. It is my hope that I continue to feel as good as I have been.
My life has completely changed, for the most part its good while I do have my bad and good days;its all to be expected. I feel great, its amazing how the pain has diminished about 95%, because the pain is gone sometimes I forget that I still have endometriosis, then the pain its me, mostly twinges of left sided pain. My panic mode sets in and I begin to feel depressed,knowing that at any moment life could be right back where it was months ago; except this time there is no uterus or ovary.
I have started running and working out, I try to go as much as possible for an hour a day, sometimes more. I am slowly starting to lose bits of weight, I only hope it stays off.
Since surgery I have been trying to aim towards making a life changing commitment of being happy and healthy. So far I am succeeding by setting goals and accomplishing them. It is my hope that I continue to feel as good as I have been.
Friday, June 11, 2010
A dr's appointment and a yoga class
The days seem to fly by, more so now that I am feeling well enough to enjoy my life pain free. Tuesday I had my 6 week check-up with Dr. C. I'm not going to lie, I was alittle scared for this appointment. I have been mentally preparing myself for this day since pre surgery. I always play the "what if" card. I knew that emotionally I was going to be a mess if by chance when he did the exam to check my stitches that it hurt.
As the nurse handed me my sheer white sheet to cover up with I contemplated walking out.(of course I didn't) The wait for the doctor seemed to go on forever. When he finally walked in I grinned the hugest grin ever. I wanted to attack him and give him the biggest hug ever. I owe this man my life in some sense. Anyways, he did the exam, I practiced my concentrated breaths while he did his thing and I didn't feel a thing. He began poking around and NOTHING. No endometriosis pain, post op pain, or anything. I was so happy I could have cried. My restrictions were lifted and he said I was able to resume all normal activity..
My mind instantly wandered to....yoga.. I was so anxious to get back into my yoga class at the ymca, oh how I had missed that class.
Pre hysterectomy my endometriosis pain was so intense. The thought of bending in yoga class made my abdominal area ache. I attended class a few times here and there, I just couldnt justify the pain the day after.
There is a huge difference between thinking of doing something post op and actually following through with it. I have said I wanted to try so many new things and have yet to because of fear. Going to yoga class was going to need to be a spur of the moment thing, so I didnt psych myself out. I met up with the ex for a late lunch, we talked and took a walk through the mall. I had some time after we left one another before going to a friends house. I ended up back at my house eagerly jumping into my yoga gear and out the door to class.Needless to say I didn't meet up with my friend.
While at yoga class I said i wouldn't do anything I didn't feel comfortable doing. The instructor mostly concentrated on leg and neck support, not to much involving the abdominal area. I was thankful and felt like I had been meant to be there.
I made it through class and felt this rush of stress come out as well as an intense appreciation for my new life. I woke up this morning feeling even more on a high. There is no pain and my pelvic area feels so good.
Now if only I could convince myself to get back into running...
As the nurse handed me my sheer white sheet to cover up with I contemplated walking out.(of course I didn't) The wait for the doctor seemed to go on forever. When he finally walked in I grinned the hugest grin ever. I wanted to attack him and give him the biggest hug ever. I owe this man my life in some sense. Anyways, he did the exam, I practiced my concentrated breaths while he did his thing and I didn't feel a thing. He began poking around and NOTHING. No endometriosis pain, post op pain, or anything. I was so happy I could have cried. My restrictions were lifted and he said I was able to resume all normal activity..
My mind instantly wandered to....yoga.. I was so anxious to get back into my yoga class at the ymca, oh how I had missed that class.
Pre hysterectomy my endometriosis pain was so intense. The thought of bending in yoga class made my abdominal area ache. I attended class a few times here and there, I just couldnt justify the pain the day after.
There is a huge difference between thinking of doing something post op and actually following through with it. I have said I wanted to try so many new things and have yet to because of fear. Going to yoga class was going to need to be a spur of the moment thing, so I didnt psych myself out. I met up with the ex for a late lunch, we talked and took a walk through the mall. I had some time after we left one another before going to a friends house. I ended up back at my house eagerly jumping into my yoga gear and out the door to class.Needless to say I didn't meet up with my friend.
While at yoga class I said i wouldn't do anything I didn't feel comfortable doing. The instructor mostly concentrated on leg and neck support, not to much involving the abdominal area. I was thankful and felt like I had been meant to be there.
I made it through class and felt this rush of stress come out as well as an intense appreciation for my new life. I woke up this morning feeling even more on a high. There is no pain and my pelvic area feels so good.
Now if only I could convince myself to get back into running...
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Wish granted
It has been almost 6 weeks since surgery. I am still in awe that this time has flown by so fast. I have come a long way in such a short time. Preparing for a life changing surgery is so easy feat. I researched and read as much as I could. I found a website called hystersisters very helpful. This website gave me some great ideas, preparation tips, etc on what to expect.
The day of the surgery I was a mess, As I was going through the motions at the hospital all I did was keep asking God to grant my wish of making me pain free even if it was for just a few days. I would take anything as long as the pain was gone. As I was waiting with my family in pre-op room the number 5 kept going through my mind, 5 years of suffering was hopefully going to come to and end. I have been in a fog for 5 years. I cannot believe it, how did I ever allow myself to get in this mess of narcotics and harsh drugs that invaded my body?
I have been in recovering for almost 6 weeks. April 27 has come and gone. So far I am on track, and according to hystersisters I am right where I am supposed to be activity and pain wise. I honestly didn't think things would ever be this smooth. Could it be that my wish has come true? Someone please pinch me, I must be dreaming. I went into surgery knowing that I am not "cured" but simply in a remission stage. I am fully aware that my endometriosis can come back at any time.
As I move on counting days towards my one year hysterversary I have yet to have any regrets. I have exceeded my expectations and am loving every minute of this pain-free life style.
At last, my wish was granted. :)
The day of the surgery I was a mess, As I was going through the motions at the hospital all I did was keep asking God to grant my wish of making me pain free even if it was for just a few days. I would take anything as long as the pain was gone. As I was waiting with my family in pre-op room the number 5 kept going through my mind, 5 years of suffering was hopefully going to come to and end. I have been in a fog for 5 years. I cannot believe it, how did I ever allow myself to get in this mess of narcotics and harsh drugs that invaded my body?
I have been in recovering for almost 6 weeks. April 27 has come and gone. So far I am on track, and according to hystersisters I am right where I am supposed to be activity and pain wise. I honestly didn't think things would ever be this smooth. Could it be that my wish has come true? Someone please pinch me, I must be dreaming. I went into surgery knowing that I am not "cured" but simply in a remission stage. I am fully aware that my endometriosis can come back at any time.
As I move on counting days towards my one year hysterversary I have yet to have any regrets. I have exceeded my expectations and am loving every minute of this pain-free life style.
At last, my wish was granted. :)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Fear
Fear has a odd way of making its appearance when you least expect it. Fear consumes you when you least expect it, and takes over your mind.
This past week I have allowed my self to be consumed by fear.
As the days pass by, each morning I wake up telling myself "only 20 days" "only 19 days". This routine has been happening for about 2 weeks now. It has become a daily ritual such as brushing your teeth when you wake up. These past few mornings I have been waking up in a panic, the more I try not to fear, the more I fear.
I am becoming consumed with the whole hysterectomy thing. I plan events by how close it is to surgery. I am living for April 27, it keeps me going each day. Yet ,I am beyond terrified of the decision I have forced myself to make on a count that I just can't take the pain anymore. I feel like a woman who has failed not only herself but her future husband. My head hurts from thinking to much about all of this I just wish it were the 27th already.
The fear is interfering with my daily life, I find myself forgetting a simple book, or assignment, I just cant focus. Most people think I have it all together I even get complements " oh Ashley, you're so strong, I can't even tell that you're weeks away from a life changing event." I just smile on the outside and yet cry inside. I don't have it together, and I am not sure I will until they inject the happy juice in my IV as I am being wheeled into the OR, thats when I will finally have the 'i dont care' attitude.
I can do this, I know I can, I just need to not fear so much. I am going to waste the next 2 1/2 weeks "in fear" and not enjoying my last days of freedom. I need to let go, I need to give poor olivia the ovary a break, after all she doesn't deserve to be tense on top of having endometriosis cramp her style.
I may be filled with fear, but I haven't lost my sense of passion. , I will be the best mom to my child because I wanted him/her more than anything in this world, lacking a uterus wont stop me from living my dream of someday being called "mommy". I will succeed despite the fear I feel right now..
Take that!
This past week I have allowed my self to be consumed by fear.
As the days pass by, each morning I wake up telling myself "only 20 days" "only 19 days". This routine has been happening for about 2 weeks now. It has become a daily ritual such as brushing your teeth when you wake up. These past few mornings I have been waking up in a panic, the more I try not to fear, the more I fear.
I am becoming consumed with the whole hysterectomy thing. I plan events by how close it is to surgery. I am living for April 27, it keeps me going each day. Yet ,I am beyond terrified of the decision I have forced myself to make on a count that I just can't take the pain anymore. I feel like a woman who has failed not only herself but her future husband. My head hurts from thinking to much about all of this I just wish it were the 27th already.
The fear is interfering with my daily life, I find myself forgetting a simple book, or assignment, I just cant focus. Most people think I have it all together I even get complements " oh Ashley, you're so strong, I can't even tell that you're weeks away from a life changing event." I just smile on the outside and yet cry inside. I don't have it together, and I am not sure I will until they inject the happy juice in my IV as I am being wheeled into the OR, thats when I will finally have the 'i dont care' attitude.
I can do this, I know I can, I just need to not fear so much. I am going to waste the next 2 1/2 weeks "in fear" and not enjoying my last days of freedom. I need to let go, I need to give poor olivia the ovary a break, after all she doesn't deserve to be tense on top of having endometriosis cramp her style.
I may be filled with fear, but I haven't lost my sense of passion. , I will be the best mom to my child because I wanted him/her more than anything in this world, lacking a uterus wont stop me from living my dream of someday being called "mommy". I will succeed despite the fear I feel right now..
Take that!
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