Fear

Fear has a odd way of making its appearance when you least expect it. Fear consumes you when you least expect it, and takes over your mind.

This past week I have allowed my self to be consumed by fear.
As the days pass by, each morning I wake up telling myself "only 20 days" "only 19 days". This routine has been happening for about 2 weeks now. It has become a daily ritual such as brushing your teeth when you wake up. These past few mornings I have been waking up in a panic, the more I try not to fear, the more I fear.

I am becoming consumed with the whole hysterectomy thing. I plan events by how close it is to surgery. I am living for April 27, it keeps me going each day. Yet ,I am beyond terrified of the decision I have forced myself to make on a count that I just can't take the pain anymore. I feel like a woman who has failed not only herself but her future husband. My head hurts from thinking to much about all of this I just wish it were the 27th already.
The fear is interfering with my daily life, I find myself forgetting a simple book, or assignment, I just cant focus. Most people think I have it all together I even get complements " oh Ashley, you're so strong, I can't even tell that you're weeks away from a life changing event." I just smile on the outside and yet cry inside. I don't have it together, and I am not sure I will until they inject the happy juice in my IV as I am being wheeled into the OR, thats when I will finally have the 'i dont care' attitude.

I can do this, I know I can, I just need to not fear so much. I am going to waste the next 2 1/2 weeks "in fear" and not enjoying my last days of freedom. I need to let go, I need to give poor olivia the ovary a break, after all she doesn't deserve to be tense on top of having endometriosis cramp her style.

I may be filled with fear, but I haven't lost my sense of passion. , I will be the best mom to my child because I wanted him/her more than anything in this world, lacking a uterus wont stop me from living my dream of someday being called "mommy". I will succeed despite the fear I feel right now..

Take that!