Wednesday, October 27, 2010

6 months


Today has been 6 months since my hysterectomy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the entirety of that day. The sequence of events, the words that were spoken, the smells, the whole thing, lingers on my mind oh so vividly. I often wonder how long I will remember that day and feel that pang in my heart. As I was being wheeled down the long hallway I remember hoping that my life was going to dramatically change and that I would be pain free...then the IV meds kicked in, and the last thing I remember was seeing a "in use" sign above my OR door and hearing some beating of music going on. I woke up on the other side so to speak, little did I know I was already a changing girl with a whole new world to explore and experience. No one could have prepared me enough for the journey that I am currently embarking on.
Little did I know that my random IV induced thoughts and wishes would come true. Each day my life changes a tiny bit more, and I am in less pain each day. I never imagined that after over 5 years of suffering from Endometriosis would suddenly stop all because my diseased organs were taken out.
Age is just a number, some people mature faster and experiences vary. I can't believe that I was 21 years old when my life changed in such a way. In some ways it seems so surreal and like a dream...but it's not. Sometimes I feel so alone with this whole experience. It is so rare to be 21 and have had experienced a surgery like this. I have alot of support and friends who really care about my well being, but they don't really truly understand what is going on in my head. Will anyone ever?
I didn't really think about this day as being as emotional as it has been. Last night it began to hit me and I had to let out a good cry. I don't really know why I cried, I wouldn't call it sadness that I feel, its more of a mixed emotional feeling. Like a loss of anything I am grieving. This is so much different than losing a person, the grieving process is very unique and very complicated. I don't think that the loss of my uterus hit me until a few months ago. I am grieving, and it has taken me this long to admit and accept it.
I have so many fears everyday. I hate living in fear. Atleast when I was in pain I didn't fear anything. I thought that I would always live in pain, so why not try anything, nothing could hurt worse, or so I thought. Now that I am pain free I live in fear that my pain will begin again. I find myself watching how I walk, run, and even breathe. Perhaps this fear is beginning to make me a little to cautious. I was once a 'try anyhing once' kind of girl, now I am a 'pause, take it in, ponder it kind of girl'.
Each month I try to celebrate to take away the sad feelings that I have. Over the next few days I am really going to celebrate because this is the halfway point of recovery. While I feel and look fine, my insides are still healing from the trauma of such a surgery. I am going to treat myself to a pedicure and a new present of some sort.
Today I celebrated by going to a pumpkin patch with the little boy I nanny for. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my 6 month hysterversary!

I can only sit here every day and think, pray, and wish like I did the day of my surgery, in hopes of staying in remission a whole lot longer.It worked that day, so maybe it work everyday that I stay positive. :)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

5 months has come and gone.

5 months 5 days! Incredible. I have almost made it to the halfway point of recovery. Each day leading to one year is proving to be worth waiting for.

Life has been so busy lately. My days are filled with getting up early and dressing in my best, then packing a lunch and heading into a classroom of 25 students. I never thought that my life would ever get to the point where I would have the energy to make it through an entire school day and then have energy after work to go out, clean, and spend time with Murphy.

I do have some daily minor issues which are in the process of being worked out. I dont have any major complaints other than not doing a TAH sooner. This week Thursday I have my pelvic floor therapy session, this will be the first of many, while the road will be long and hard I am confident in this woman who will be taking care of me. I also see my obgyn next Wednesday to discuss some other issues that are happening. I am hoping that by month 6 I will see some sort of improvement, so I can enjoy life even more!